I recently spoke to a group about self-compassion. I’ve spoken on this topic before, but this time I talked about the two sides of self-compassion, based on the most recent work of Dr. Kristin Neff, a researcher who has been studying compassion for years.
One of the most interesting things I noted in her research was the way Dr. Neff talks about the near-enemies of self-compassion. She says that a near-enemy of self-compassion is self-pity.
If I have compassion for myself, I might say to myself, “I made a mistake and that makes me sad, but it’s okay to make mistakes and it’s okay to feel sad. Many people feel sad at times and we all make mistakes.” I might just sit with my feeling of sadness and not try to change it or push it away.
Self-pity is different: If I pity myself, I might say something like: “I can’t believe I did that! I’m such an idiot. I feel so sad. No one has ever felt this bad before. I’ll never be happy again.”
Self-compassion has three components, according to Dr. Neff: self-kindness, a sense of common humanity, and mindfulness. When these three components are present, we feel self-compassion as a loving, connected presence.
Self-pity does not contain any of the components necessary for self-compassion. When we wallow in self-pity, we treat ourselves unkindly, we feel isolated from others, and we are living in the past and/or the future.
Self-pity is not helpful.
We all talk to ourselves in our heads all the time. Our lives are narrated by an inner voice.
Is your inner voice a voice of self-compassion?
- Does your inner voice speak to you in a kind manner, as you would to a good friend who was upset?
- Does your inner voice comfort you by telling you that others have felt the same way you feel now?
- Does your inner voice encourage you to stay present, to breathe in this moment, breathe out in this moment?
Or is your inner voice a near-enemy of self-compassion?
- Does your inner voice berate you? Belittle you?
- Does your inner voice say you are all alone? You are worse than everyone?
- Does your inner voice dwell in the past, which cannot be changed? Or in the future, which does not exist?
Developing self-compassion, the ability to speak to yourself in a kind way that allows you to feel connected to the rest of humanity while staying present, is a skill.
The first step in developing this skill, in my opinion, is to become aware of the way you speak to yourself now. Become aware of that inner narrative, that voice that comments on every moment of your every day. If that voice doesn’t speak to you as you speak to your best friend, there is work to be done.
First, have self-compassion for where you are now. Berating yourself for not being self-compassionate enough is not going to improve your self-compassion skills!
Just notice and accept. This is how it is right now.
Next, practice speaking to yourself as you would to your best friend. In this way, you strengthen the neural pathways in your brain that will allow you to speak to yourself with kindness more easily the next time you make a mistake.
We all make mistakes. It’s okay. You can try again tomorrow.
Self-compassion is a generous practice, I believe, because the more compassion you have for yourself, the more compassion you have for others.
Let’s try it.