My husband and I got home from camping one day a couple of weeks ago and we were exhausted. We got a little snippy with each other as we were unpacking the car, and then I realized we were just tired.
It had poured rain the night before and our tent leaked, so my husband and I hadn’t gotten much sleep. It wasn’t a bad night despite the rain but by dawn we were up and packing, and we hit the road before 8 AM.
Now we were home and starting to hit that wall of fatigue we all sometimes experience.
I said to my husband, “We’re just seeing the negative because we’re so tired.”
It probably would have been more accurate to say, “I’m only seeing the negative because I’m so tired,” but he agreed with me and we continued unpacking.
As I threw clothes in a basket I realized my attitude was completely different. By making that statement to my husband, I gave myself (and him) permission to feel tired instead of continuing to resist the feeling of fatigue, which just makes me feel bad.
I notice when I physically don’t feel well, I let that feeling spread to my emotions. After years of self-reflection, I can see how the pattern works:
Step 1: I feel bad physically (could be anything from a headache, to an upset stomach, to fatigue, to strep throat.)
Step 2: I start berating myself for “allowing” myself to feel bad physically: You should have eaten more, you should have gotten more sleep, you shouldn’t have stayed up so late, you should have drunk more water. It can get even worse: You’re such an idiot, you never should have agreed to go camping with that weather forecast.
Step 3: I start to feel bad emotionally: I feel sad, or down, or incompetent, or stupid–or all of the above.
Step 4: I start to behave the way I do when I feel sad, down, incompetent, and/or stupid: I withdraw from people, get snippy with the people I do come in contact with, and slog through my work like I’m slogging through mud.
This can last anywhere from minutes to hours to days.
Thankfully, these days I can usually spot the pattern after only minutes.
When I do notice what I’m doing, I consciously decide to feel whatever I feel physically, without adding all the negative thoughts.
If I notice that I’m really tired, for example, I choose to think: Of course I’m tired, I hardly got any sleep last night–I’ll go to bed early tonight. Then I don’t start feeling those negative emotions.
When I do this, I become a tired woman throwing wet clothes in the washing machine while I look forward to a bath in the evening and an early bedtime.
This sounds really simple, but developing this awareness has taken me years. Developing this awareness has had a powerful positive impact on my life.
Do you ever let your physical distress leak into your emotional life? If so, do you want to keep doing that?