Lately I’ve been talking a lot about the Karpman Drama Triangle. Dr. Steven Karpman, a psychologist, developed the concept as a way of describing a dysfunctional way of dealing with conflict. It’s also been called the “victim consciousness” in other books.
Recognizing this pattern in our lives can allow us to change the pattern and free ourselves from the rigidity of our thinking.
When we are locked in the Karpman Drama Triangle, there are only three roles we can play: Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer.
Imagine a parent who is locked in the Karpman Drama Triangle with everyone in her life. Someone with, say, a 9-year-old boy. If this parent sees everyone as either a Victim, a Persecutor, or a Rescuer, then even small conflicts can cause a lot of drama—and damage many relationships.
For example, if this parent asks her son to brush his teeth and he, because is busy reading the new Dog Man graphic novel on the couch, says, “no,” she’s going to have a problem.
Most likely, she will suddenly see herself as a Victim and her son as her Persecutor. Another word for persecutor might be enemy, or villain.
How well can someone parent when they are thinking of their child as their persecutor, enemy, or villain?
Not very well, in my opinion.
The drama quickly escalates—the parent starts yelling about how “You never do what you’re supposed to do!” and “Why can’t you ever just do what I ask you to?”
In turn, the 9-year-old boy, starts yelling—because he now sees himself as the Victim, and his mother is the Persecutor (Enemy! Villain!)
Dad runs in. Mom says, “He won’t brush his teeth!”
In Mom’s Karpman Drama Triangle world-view, Dad has two choices. He can either become her Rescuer (“I know, he never does what he’s supposed to do!”) or another Villain—not just by attempting to rescue his son (“She’s always giving you a hard time!”) but by saying anything that is not totally supportive of her stance. Even if he says, Let’s all calm down now,” she’s likely to see that as a betrayal—he’s just become her Persecutor.
And bedtime just turned into a war zone.
What if, instead, this parent reflected on her patterns and realized she could use The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) instead? In TED, instead of identifying as the Victim, Mom becomes the Creator. Her son is now her Challenger, and Dad is either her Coach or another Challenger.
Using TED, when her son responds to her request to brush his teeth with a “no,” she has choices. She’s the Creator and her son has just Challenged her. Not “challenged” as in, “let’s fight,” but challenged as in, “how can I solve this problem?”
Using TED, this parent realizes she asked an ineffective question in an ineffective way. Because she is the Creator, she now has many choices about what to do next.
- She can think about how she feels when she’s reading a new book and give him a 5-minute buffer;
- She can tell him she’ll read to him after he brushes his teeth;
- She can remind him that Ginny and Sandy, the germs that live in his mouth, are getting ready to hang the disco ball and have a big party with their friends and it’s time to get rid of them before they wreck the place;
- She can sit next to him and put a hand on his arm and making eye contact before making her request again.
No matter what her 9-year-old’s response is, she can then creatively respond—again and again.
If her husband happens to walk into this situation, she doesn’t need a Rescuer. He can go about his business. If needed, he can be her coach and help her solve her own problem—without getting between her and her son.
The thing is, our brains like to think in terms of victim and persecutor—it makes it easy to know who’s good and who’s bad, which is comfortable for our brains. But horrible for our relationships.
So the next time a hint of conflict enters your world, think about how you want to respond. If you see anyone in your life as a Persecutor (no matter how well they deserve that title,) that necessarily makes you a Victim. Is that how you want to see yourself?
Try being the Creator. It’s more fun than being a Victim—not just for you, but for all the people you are in relationship with.