I’ve been writing about cognitive dissonance lately, on Live to Write–Write to Live, a group blog I’m a part of with 7 other writers. You can check out those blog posts here and here.
I thought I was done thinking about—and writing about—cognitive dissonance for a while, until I read Rising Strong, Brene Brown’s new book. In it, she discusses the cognitive dissonance that comes when you behave in a way that doesn’t match up with your view of yourself or your professed values.
Dr. Brown goes on to say we can experience this cognitive dissonance as either shame or guilt. She states that shame is not a useful emotion because it is paralyzing, whereas guilt can be motivating.
If, for example, I lie to someone and then realize that doesn’t match my value of honesty, I can respond by telling myself, “I’m a liar,” which would cause shame, or by telling myself “I told a lie,” which causes guilt.
If I’m a liar, there’s nothing I can do about that. I’ve labeled myself and I have no way to move away from that perspective of myself. It’s paralyzing.
If, however, I lied, well, I can choose not to lie in the next instance. Telling myself, “I lied,” when I value honesty, can cause me to resolve to be more truthful in my next conversation with another person (or with myself.)
So how do you talk to yourself when your behavior doesn’t match your values? How does your cognitive dissonance manifest?
Do you call yourself names? Or do you label your behavior?
If you do the first, you cause yourself to feel shame, which creates a cognitive dissonance that is difficult to resolve. If you do the second, you cause yourself to feel guilty, which Dr. Brown explains can be helpful for motivating positive changes in behavior. In other words, feeling guilt about the way you behaved makes it more likely you will behave better the next time you are in a similar situation.
Knowing this, I can monitor my self-talk, and try to make sure I’m labeling my behavior rather than myself.
Where in your life do you experience cognitive dissonance? How have you resolved it in the past?
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Diane MacKinnon, MD, writes about and speaks on life coaching topics. You can contact her at diane@dianemackinnon.com or check out her website at www.dianemackinnon.com.
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