I recently went to hear Brene Brown speak on the topic, “The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting.” Brene is a shame researcher and a best-selling author.

The biggest point Brene wanted to make was that we, as parents, cannot give our children the gifts of self-love, self-acceptance, and self-compassion, unless we possess those gifts. After she made this point, to an audience of parents, she said, “It sucks.”

We agreed.

Because what that means is that we cannot just tell our children they need to be kind to themselves, we also have to live self-kindness. Children are observational learners. They watch what we do, very closely, and they will do what we do—not what we say.

Children know, intuitively, that what we do is what we really, truly believe. We can say “Don’t be so hard on yourself, give yourself a break,” every day, but what they will really take in is how we treat ourselves when we’ve made a mistake.

So, if you say to yourself, “I’m such an idiot,” in the heat of the moment after you lock your keys in the car, that’s what the kids will say to themselves the next time they make a mistake.

What I took away from Brene’s fabulous talk was that I need to continue my practice of self-acceptance and self-love. If you’ve read my blog recently, you know that I’ve been “practicing” self-love for a while now. It seems to be working, in that I am not berating myself for every mistake I make over and over again. I’m really learning to acknowledge the mistake, learn from it, and move on.

For example, last week I gave my first speech in my Toastmasters club. In the old days, this would have been a time of much hand-wringing and inner turmoil. It has to be perfect! This time, despite having no child care unexpectedly the week before the speech, and forgetting part of my speech at home, I did not criticize myself or second-guess myself. I told myself helpful things like, “The most important thing is to show up,” and “everything is fine.”

I believe this lack of self-criticism is part of the reason I was able to get up and deliver my speech without notes. When I’m relaxed, I have much more access to my brain than I do when I’m fearful or anxious.  There are scientific studies that prove this—fear narrows our focus so much we can miss important pieces of information.

If I can keep practicing self-love, self-acceptance, and self-kindness, I can teach those things to my son. If I go back to self-criticism, self-judgment, and (let’s face it) self-hatred, then those are the things I will teach my son.

He may be able, as an adult, to unlearn self-criticism and self-hatred, but I can give him a leg up by being kind and compassionate and loving toward myself.

What’s not to love about that?