I watched an old Project Runway episode on my iPad a couple of weeks ago and I’ve been thinking about it ever since—not because of the fashions (although some were memorable) but because of the behavior of one of the designers.
For those of you who haven’t seen Project Runway, it’s a reality TV show, produced by Heidi Klum, who gathers a group of fashion designers together and gives them challenges with crazy twists and insane deadlines. It’s an artificial setting that promotes high stress, vivid drama, and out-of-control emotions—in other words, it makes great television.
One of the contestants, I’ll call him George, had a difficult day. On the episode I saw, he and the other designers had to come up with a “look” using only newspaper. They had one full day to complete their designs.
When Tim Gunn, the mentor to the designers, came around to check in with the designers, he told George his design looked like kindergarteners did it. Immediately after Tim left the room, George took his design, crumpled it up and threw it in the trash.
The interesting part, at least to me, is that by the following morning, George was telling all the other designers the reason he had to trash his design was because the iron spit water all over the (paper) dress while he was ironing it, which caused it to wrinkle into a mess that was unsalvageable. The other designers had seen his conversation with Tim Gunn so were skeptical of this story but by the time he was being interviewed after being cut from the show, it seemed that he really believed the story about the iron ruining the dress.
That kind of denial can be dangerous. It’s the same kind of thinking that allows alcoholics to say to themselves, “Oh, I can have just one,” before falling off the wagon again. It’s the same kind of thinking that allows a woman to marry someone who’s shown clear signs of being violent: “Oh, but he would never hurt me.”
We all live in denial to some extent. It’s an excellent coping technique, especially when we’re children and have no control over our world. Then, it makes sense to tell ourselves a “story” that allows us to pretend we are smart, or safe, or loved.
But once we are adults, denial no longer serves us. We can develop a clarity of thinking that does not rely on denial, but on self-compassion. If George didn’t use denial as a major coping mechanism, he might have been able to learn more from his experience on Project Runway. He might have walked away knowing exactly why he hadn’t made the cut and what to do differently the next time he had an opportunity as a designer.
Facing the truth is difficult, but only if you think you have to be perfect. If you know you are imperfect (and that’s okay,) you can face the fact that you got overwhelmed and checked out of the situation without going down the path of “I’m such a failure.” Instead, you can use the information to try, try again—and that’s a recipe for success!
Where in your life do you use denial as a coping mechanism? Is it serving you?