A few weeks ago, I had an epiphany. But first, I had a meltdown. That’s when I realized I was pushing myself in a way that I would never do to anyone else. You see, my son had been sick, I’d been sick, and other family members needed care. So I cared for everyone and still got work done. But in my head I was talking to myself as if I was the biggest slacker that ever lived. It was only in describing how “little” I’d gotten done to my Mastermind group that I finally heard how unreasonable I sounded.
Then I felt bad about how hard I was being on myself.
That’s when I had the epiphany: If I truly want to feel good and enjoy each moment, something I’ve been focusing on for the past few years, I need to accept myself as I am and have some kindness and compassion for myself.
I made this one of my goals: Practice self-love daily (hourly, minutely).
I started rereading The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle, and I immediately started to feel better: My thoughts are not me.
Then I started reading Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed To Be and Embrace Who You Are.
One line really hit me: It was clear from the data we cannot give our children what we don’t have.
So now I’m really on a mission to practice self-love. I want my son to be able to accept himself and love himself just as he is. I know what a miracle he is, I want to make sure he knows it, too—and not in an entitled, I’ve-been-handed-everything-so-I-deserve-everything kind of way. In a “yep, this is me,” kind of way.
So how do I practice self-love? By accepting whatever I’m thinking (although not necessarily believing it), feeling, doing, and looking like in this moment.
The other day I had a bad headache. Normally, I resist the headache and have all kinds of thoughts about why I shouldn’t have a headache, or I blame myself for the headache (I didn’t drink enough water, I didn’t eat soon enough after I got up, etc.) I can also spend a lot of time thinking about how the headache is ruining my day.
This time I told the headache (because it’s part of me, after all): “I accept you, headache. Here you are and I’m not going to resist you. You’re here and that’s okay.”
I had the headache for most of the day but when my husband asked me how my day was, my honest answer was, “Great!” I’d taken my son to the library and done errands with him. Nothing big but I actually enjoyed all of it. The headache was a part of my day, but it didn’t take it over, as it would have in the past.
Self-love is a daily (hourly, minutely) practice. Are you practicing?
Great post and a great reminder for all of us. Also thanks for the book tip ( Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed To Be and Embrace Who You Are.). I had meant to read this book in the past but somehow lost track of it. I think I will make it a book club book for the future.
Cheers!
Jim
Actually I read the book last year! Too funny. Oh well. I love myself anyway. 😉
Cheers!
Jim
Hey Jim,
I can’t believe I hadn’t read Brene Brown until last month! Now I want to read everything she’s written. I went on her website recently and she’ll be speaking at a school on the North Shore in April if you are interested.
I’m amazed at what a difference my conscious decision to practice Self-Love has made in my daily life. It’s definitely incentive to keep it up. I feel more connected to myself and to my loved ones than I ever have.
Thanks for your comments and thanks for reading!
Warmly,
Diane
You can have no idea how much I wish I could have read this thirty years ago, when I was pushing myself day after day to do all the things I was convinced I had to do, getting so completely exhausted that I became ill, not paying attention to myself, let alone treating myself with love and compassion. As it was, I developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and have continued to live with the legacy of chronic illness ever since. There are some people who have a predisposition for developing this condition and they tend to behave exactly the way I did. I wish I could say to anyone who thinks they might, just might, be such a one – if you are doing this sort of thing to yourself, DON’T DO IT!
Even for those who can live like this and somehow not get sick, this is such a damaging way to live. Hopefully Diane, your insightful, gentle, practical advice is reaching huge numbers of people (I’m sure it is) and thank you for this and so many other wonderful posts. Oh, and thanks for reminding me about Eckhart Tolle!
Hi Deborah,
I’m a little late to the table of self-acceptance myself, but I am so grateful that I have decided to love myself. It feels so much better than the constant refrain of “I’m not good enough.” Luckily, I’ve had a lot of great teachers and role models. My mentor Martha Beck has been diagnosed with multiple chronic diseases, including fibromyalgia, and she has found a positive correlation between her symptoms and her self-acceptance and self-love.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you found the post helpful. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of things we already know. And yes, Eckhart Tolle’s book is just as powerful now as it was when I first read it years ago.
Warmly,
Diane
What a timely post this is! For the last three weeks I’ve been busy shuffling back and forth to a hopsital/rehab taking care of my mom who had surgery (and subsequent complications); my daughter with special needs had a medical emergency relating to medication AND a bad ear infection so we spent a two separate days tripping back and forth to the ER (once at 10:00 p.m.). There were numerous meetings with medical professionals, two interviews with a client, running back and forth to labs for testing and blood draws, etc. My husband had his ten year colonoscopy check…and well…I was pissed that I wasn’t getting any writing done.
I started to get depressed that I was in the role of caretaker, over-stressed and was angry at myself for not “accomplishing anything.”
Sometimes we can be such dufuses, can’t we? One day I spent 14 hours in two different hospitals and then came home and said to my husband “I got absolutely nothing done today.” I had a good cry, blew my nose (always important) and had a nice glass of red wine with dinner and went straight to bed.
The next day I was clearer and started to think about how I felt. I realized I was hurting myself more by SELF-created stress than I was by the circumstances which I couldn’t change (mom sick/daughter sick/husband’s testing).
This is not going to be a productive month. That’s okay. My husband said to me, “I can’t believe how well you juggle so many things. You’re amazing.” I think I’ll take his word on that one!
Great post about how self-love translates into daily living!
Hey Laura,
Thanks for sharing your story with us! We can be so hard on ourselves, yes? I totally hear you about being at the hospital(s) for 14 hours and then saying you got nothing done. I’ve done the same thing, only usually I worked at the hospital for 14 hours! Either way, it does not help for us to berate ourselves after the fact, even if we spent all day watching TV or watching the grass grow. It’s over, we can’t change it, we do no good by calling ourselves names for having done it.
Even though my son is sick again, I’m feeling good. Today I held him while he watched a movie. In the past, I would have been thinking about all the things I “should” be doing, but I just enjoyed the movie and the fact that I was holding my (almost-never-still) son in my arms. I’m a mom today–that’s enough.
I agree with your husband, especially after hearing a little about your month–you are amazing!
Stay present!
Warmly,
Diane