What is a boundary? Just as we have property lines to show the boundaries between what is ours and what is our neighbor’s, boundaries in relationships let people know what is ours and what is theirs.
When someone walks up our driveway to the front door and knocks; that is not a boundary violation. We can answer the door, ignore the knock, or shout out the window. We have choices.
Similarly, when someone asks us to do something, even if we don’t want to do it; that is not a boundary violation, it’s a request. We can say, ”yes,” or we can say, “no.”
If my partner throws his clothes on the floor of our bedroom, even after I’ve asked him to please put his clothes in the hamper; that is not a boundary violation. I made a request; he said, in his own way, “no,” to the request. That’s his choice. Once I know he’s not going to pick up his clothes, I can decide what I’m going to do.
Boundaries are places in our lives where we set a rule or a standard for ourselves, so we can feel safe and well.
My boundary is not against you; it is for me.
How do you set a boundary? By clearly stating what is okay and what is not okay with you.
As Brene Brown says, “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.”
- “It is not okay with me that you swear at me. If you continue talking like that, I will leave the room.”
- “You were very late to our last appointment. If you are more than 15 minutes late to our next appointment, I will leave.”
- “Smoking is not allowed in my car. If you light a cigarette, I will pull over and ask you to get out.”
Setting a boundary is one thing, sticking to your boundaries is another. We’ll discuss keeping boundaries in Part 2.