A boundary is something you do for yourself.
It is a way of practicing self-kindness and self-compassion.
A boundary is you saying: I’ve thought about this and this is what I need. I’m not telling you what to do, but if you do this (or don’t do that) again, I’m going to do this in order to take care of myself.
A boundary feels good. It doesn’t come from a place of resentment or revenge. It’s just you taking care of yourself—and that’s a good thing.
Often we hesitate to set a boundary with someone because we feel selfish doing so. Or we feel afraid or guilty. But not setting a boundary out of fear or guilt or because we want to appear generous is not taking care of ourselves, nor is it honest.
If your neighbor parked his car on your property, would you feel selfish when you asked him to move it back to his property? Probably not.
It’s no different with an interpersonal boundary. We don’t need to set a boundary for every little thing, but sometimes we do need to clarify what we are willing to live with and what we are not willing to live with.
For example, I have a wonderful friend who used to talk over me all the time. I really enjoyed her company but there were times when she just wouldn’t stop talking long enough for me to speak. It didn’t happen all the time but it started happening more frequently. I felt like I couldn’t talk around her.
So I set a boundary with her.
I got really clear about what I needed and made myself a little script to follow when I talked to her:
I love you and I love spending time with you. I don’t like it when you talk over me repeatedly. If you keep talking over me, I will put my hand up. If you still don’t stop talking, I will get up and walk away. I’m not telling you what to do, I just want you to know what I need to do to take care of myself.
Her response? She apologized, told me she knew she did that and she would try to stop. Since then, I’ve had to put my hand up a couple of times but each time I do, my friend stops talking and asks me to go ahead and speak.
Before I set this boundary, I realize I dreaded spending time with my friend. Now I look forward to having a conversation with her (not just being an audience to her monologue!)
Setting a boundary is risky. What if my friend was offended by my request? It may have been the end of our friendship.
But our friendship was already at risk.
Now, I feel like I can be myself with my friend and she can be herself, too. We have a more authentic relationship than we did before.
Good boundaries make good relationships. Do you agree?