Ever since I’ve lived in my own home, I’ve always hated cleaning the floors. I would look at the wall-to-wall carpet in my apartment and think, Someone should really vacuum this carpet. Did I mention that I lived alone?
When I moved to a house with hardwood floors, I did the same thing. I’d stand there, hands on hips, looking at the dust-bunny-covered floor, thinking, Wow, someone really needs to clean these floors.
I never once thought I should clean these floors!
This is a silly example of me being an emotional child. Silly, until I think about how often I thought my husband should clean the floors. It never occurred to me that I could just as easily do it as he could, so I spent a lot of time resenting the fact that he didn’t clean the floors as often as I thought he should. He did clean the floors, just not on my schedule.
These days, I no longer believe my husband should clean the floors and I shouldn’t, but there are plenty of other times that I remain an emotional child–until I catch myself and decide to step up and become an adult about whatever the issue is.
There are a number of phrases that I hear myself say (usually in my head) that give me a clue that I’m acting like an emotional child rather than an adult:
- “Someone should…” (my all-time favorite and most used phrase)
- “Why do I have to..?”
- “You’re supposed to…”
- “I never get to…”
- “He/she makes me so…(mad/sad/happy/etc.) (another favorite)
I’m sure you have your favorites, too. When I hear myself using one of these phrases, I know enough to stop and think about how much responsibility I’m taking for what’s going on.
I recently found myself having a conversation in my head with a good friend with whom I’d recently had a difficult conversation. Here’s what I said in my head that made me realize I was acting like an emotional child:
“You make me feel bad every time I talk to you, so from now on could you just text me or email me?”
As soon as I thought that thought, I realized I was acting like an emotional child (like, maybe 13?) with my friend. I was blaming him for my emotions. I know, on an intellectual level as well as on another, deeper, level, that no one can make me feel anything I don’t choose to feel.
So I gave my friend permission to think whatever he wanted to think about me while I continued to love him and, at the same time, I decided not to give him any power over my emotions. I immediately felt better.
As an emotional adult, I am never a victim of another person, even if that person does me physical or emotional harm. I don’t get to choose what another person says or does, but I always get to choose how I react to what another person says or does. Always.