When my husband and I were first married, I quickly realized he was very tech-savvy and he loved gadgets. In fact, while I was doing my first coach training with Martha Beck (way back in 2003,) I called him from Arizona and mentioned I was going to need a website in order to start my business. By the time I got home a few days later, I had one!
It was great having my own in-house IT department—until it wasn’t available. (“What do you mean, you don’t have time?!”) If something went wrong and my computer stopped working, or I couldn’t send that all-important email, I immediately asked my husband for help. And by “help,” I mean I expected him to drop whatever he was doing and fix it for me.
As you can imagine, this got old. Definitely for him—quickly, but eventually for me, too.
I had become an underfunctioner in an entire aspect of my business and life.
Once I became aware of this situation on a conscious level—it took years, friends, years!—I started to try to solve my own IT problems before asking my husband for help, even if that just meant googling the problem, which I watched my husband do a bunch of times after I’d asked him some question about my computer or software.
Today, I still don’t function as well as he does in this arena, but I take much more responsibility for my own computer problems. I google, I download manuals, and I’ve even hired help to get things up and running again without involving my husband.
Most of us are overfunctioners and underfunctioners in different areas of our lives. This is fine as long as our partners on the other end of the see-saw are okay with the imbalance and the imbalance is not too great.
If one partner in a relationship—any relationship between adults, not just romantic partners—is chronically over- or underfunctioning, this can lead to problems.
If “functioning” = managing life’s responsibilities and decisions without a lot of difficulty, an overfunctioner tends to jump in and make decisions, take action, and micromanage others. An underfunctioner tends to wait for others to make decisions, rely on others to get things done, frequently ask for help.
There are many reasons why we may become overfunctioners or underfunctioners, from the way we were treated growing up to recent events and stressors. We can also underfunction with one person and overfunction with another.
Awareness is, as always, the first step. Back when I expected my husband to take care of all my IT problems, I noticed his frustration with my lack of respect for his time. I tried to tell myself a story to excuse myself (“But I don’t know how to do it and he does!”) but eventually it occurred to me that maybe he wasn’t responsible for all my IT needs and, just perhaps, I should try to figure some of it out myself.
So I did.
Mostly.
I still call on him occasionally but I try to ask him if he has time, or say, “When you get a chance, can you look at…?” rather than assuming he’s available.
Are there areas in your life where you overfunction? Underfunction?
Before any change comes awareness. What are you doing? What are you thinking? Is it working for you? Is it working for the people in your life?
If so, carry on.
If not, think about small changes. Make one. See what happens. Repeat.