“A complaint is a request unasked.”
I heard this little saying years ago. I thought it was such a true statement and I said it to my husband when he complained. Then I said, ‘Do you have a request?” He did and he told me what it was.
A few hours later I mentioned that I was cold.
“Do you have a request?” asked my husband.
“No,” I said, but I did—a request to myself. I went and got a sweater.
Since then, I’ve stopped spouting that little saying, but I still think it often, especially lately as I’ve been trying to teach my son how to communicate clearly (as well as trying to be clear and clean in my communication to him.)
In order to teach my son how to ask for what he wants (out loud) I have to be able to do it myself. I’ve had to un-learn some things, such as the following (which I used to think was normal.)
Me (sitting in my bedroom upstairs, shouting,): “Hey Don!”
Donna (my sister, downstairs in the kitchen): “What?!”
I don’t answer. I just wait. A few minutes later Donna appears in the doorway of our bedroom, again saying ‘What?”
Me: “Can you make me a sandwich, too? I’ll be right down.”
Don: “Okay.” (She goes back to kitchen.)
Yes, I’m the one who wanted something, and I thought it was normal to have her come all the way upstairs to find out what I wanted and then go back and actually do what I wanted. She thought it was normal, too.
I didn’t realize how weird this was until I did it to my husband a couple of times when we were first married.
When he explained that he thought it was rude for me to shout for him and then wait for him to come to me, it took me a few seconds to get it. Then I was like, Wow, that is rude!
I made a conscious effort not to do that anymore.
When I hear a complaint come out of my mouth, I ask myself “What is my request?” Then I either get what I need (want) or ask someone else to get it for me, knowing that they may not comply.
When my son complains about something, I ask him if he’d like me to do something for him. And if he says, “no,” I try to honor that.
Recently, I went to Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee on my way home from doing errands. I called my husband to ask if he or Joey wanted anything. Joey said he didn’t, so I didn’t get him anything.
When I got home, Joey said he wanted a munchkin.
“Hon, I didn’t get you one because you said you didn’t want any,” I told him.
“Okay,” he said, and went off to play while I unloaded groceries.
So far, he is a very clear communicator—my job is to help him stay that way.
Great article. Since reading this I have thought a lot about “A complaint is a request unasked.” It is so true and a great thing to remind myself of. I also think there can be a different but related cause of complaining. Recently I found myself complaining about something about my work situation. In this case though I had requested that we change things at work, repeatedly, but the situation stayed the same. I was complaining because the situation was the same and had not changed despite my requests. I finally determined that I needed to take action, in my case make it clear that I would not participate in something at work, no hard feelings but I could not do so in good conscience. In that case I think it was “action not taken”. So my slight variation would be “A complaint is a request unasked or action not taken.”
Hi Jim,
Thanks for your comments. I agree, once we’ve stated our request, it’s time to do something different! Since your colleagues didn’t change anything in response to your request, all you can do is change something you have control over. Good luck with that situation–it takes courage to go against the flow.
Happy New Year!
Warmly,
Diane
I like this. Can you write a follow-up post on the topic of choices an individual can make when they clearly communicate a request and that request is not honored? Because I think for me, that is one of the most challenging situations for the mind and emotions to deal with! 🙂
You bring up a good point concerning subconscious behavior – it wasn’t that you intended to be rude to your sister but it was rude. We’re all guilty of behaviors that fall into UNmindfulness. When others clearly communicate their requests, it can help us understand how we affect the world, such as when your husband pointed it out to you. All of a sudden we get a picture of ourselves we never had before. We gain insight. We become more mindful. Well, at least most of the time!