I took my son to the dentist for his six-month cleaning recently and he had a new hygienist. She was very good with my son, who is still fairly uncomfortable with the whole process. He had to have x-rays and she explained everything to him and got the first picture.
I was facing her, well behind my son, as I had to be out of range of the x-ray machine. As she was taking the x-ray plate away from my son, telling him they’d gotten the first picture and only had one left to get, she was staring at me. She seemed to be trying to tell me something.
I’m usually pretty good with non-verbal communication, but I had no idea what this woman was trying to communicate with her eyes, above her mask. I started wondering…
- Does she think I should be encouraging him more?
- Is she pointing out how smoothly she got that to go?
- Am I supposed to be saying something to him?
- What does she want?
She got the x-ray of the other side of my son’s mouth and put away the x-ray machine, inviting me back into the area to sit facing my son.
A couple more times she looked meaningfully at me and I still had no idea what she wanted.
Then it hit me—I wanted her approval.
I realized how much energy I was spending trying to figure out “the right thing” to do or say.
Normally, when my son, who is 11 now and very articulate, is interacting with a professional like this, I try to stay out of it. He and I talk ahead of time about what’s going to happen and what questions he might have.
On this day, because I was trying to gain this woman’s approval, I started interjecting, thinking that was what the hygienist wanted me to do. (Maybe? Who knows?) At one point I said to my son, “Strong work!”
Then I thought, Strong work? He’s not performing surgery, he’s sitting in a chair, biting down on a piece of plastic.
As soon as I realized what I was doing, I was able to detach and stop acting like an idiot trying to gain the hygienist’s approval.
Because while I was trying to figure out what she wanted from me, I was no longer present with my son. He’s historically had a difficult time at the dentist and I wanted to be focused on him—how he was handling the whole procedure and what he needed from me, if anything. (He did fine!)
That trip to the dentist was an interesting exercise in awareness. It made me wonder how often I seek other people’s approval without any conscious awareness that’s what I’m doing.
Since then, I’ve noticed—I do it all the time!
Once I realize I’m doing it, I can usually relax. How about you?
Such a powerful story and lesson. Love this phrase- Conscious awareness. I’m a work in progress though. When I realize that I’m seeking approval or even being hypocritical I have a strong heart-to-heart conversation with myself.
Hey Alicia, I love that! Having a heart-to-heart conversation with yourself sounds like a very compassionate thing to do!
isn’t it funny to realize what we’re often doing without even noticing? Your example of seeking approval is a great example of it. And once we notice, we realize it’s not needed at all. Just have trust.
Hi Ton,
I agree, once I realize what I’m doing, I can (usually!) let it go. Trust that I’m enough and I don’t need to seek someone else’s approval. Especially when I’d rather be present with my loved ones!
Brilliant insights! It’s so funny how quickly we move from seeking connection to seeking approval. I think that’s where the power of radical acceptance lies. If folks know you’ll accept them, they can skip approval and move into connection.
Hi Heather,
I agree. Radical acceptance–I’d rather live in that space. I’m spending more and more time there. Thanks for your comments!
Me too! I’ve just started becoming aware of this and am trying to use my meditation practice to ground me in the present and who I am in truth. Good reminder. Thanks!
You’re welcome, Michele! Thanks for reading and commenting!
Thanks for sharing this story, Diane, so relatable. It’s easy to feel judged and want to seek approval from people in certain kinds of experiences. This has me thinking about how I might be engaging with the school folks, who I am sure are judging my parenting 🙂 🙂 Which makes me pre-emptively defensive. What if I could leave that behind? Something to work on.
Hey Michele,
I agree, it’s easy to feel defensive when we feel judged. I do it all the time. I’m trying to leave it behind but it’s an old, ingrained pattern that I’m slowly shifting away from. It helps when I have time to think about it ahead of time–when I’m blindsided, I get very defensive very quickly. Thanks for reading and commenting!
congrats on being able to detach enough to make that recognition. that’s really interesting. I’ll try to pay attention to that in my own life.
Thanks, Brian, for your kind words. 🙂
I love this story and can so relate to it as well. Wanting other’s approval is something that comes up for me a lot to and in ways I often do not anticipate. It helps to become aware of it because by getting sucked into that way of thinking I’m giving my power away. It’s quite disenfranchising. Through awareness I begin to claim my power within.
Hi Ariana,
You articulate your process so well! Thanks for reading and commenting!