One day not too long ago, I thought to myself, I’m lonely. 

My husband, whose hobby is wild life photography, was immersed in editing the pictures from his last trip, and my son was playing online with his cousins. 

I was unpacking from the same trip, as the three of us had all gone together. I was exhausted from the 36 hours it took us to get home, but I was up early to get the laundry started, then head to the grocery store to replenish the empty cupboards and fridge. 

At the end of this full day of chores, I thought, I’m lonely.  

I didn’t feel like there was anyone in the house I could talk to. They were busy, doing their own thing. 

It’s rare that I feel lonely. I like being alone, and alone is very different than lonely.

Eventually it occurred to me that I’m a life coach and I could maybe help myself feel better. 

I took a look at my thoughts:

I’m lonely. That’s not a thought, it’s a feeling.

There’s no one here I can talk to. That’s a thought, one I was thinking.

A thought is not a fact. It’s like a cloud in the sky. I’m the sky and my thoughts are just the clouds that pass by. Some stay longer than others, but they all eventually disappear. 

So I questioned my thought, as Byron Katie taught me:

1. Is it true there’s no one here I can talk to? No. My husband and son are both here, and I could talk to either one of them any time I choose. 

2. This question I skipped, as I answered “no” to the first question. The second question is, “Can you absolutely know it’s true?” and we ask it only if we answer “yes” to the first question. 

3. How do I feel, how do I behave when I believe the thought, There’s no one here I can talk to? I feel lonely. Melancholy. I behaved like the servant of the house, who is supposed to be seen and not heard. I kept to myself, doing all the housework, not interacting with my husband or son. When my husband tried to engage my attention, I was distant and distracted, on the move and avoiding connecting with him. 

4. How do I feel, how do I behave when I don’t believe the thought, There’s no one here I can talk to? If I wasn’t thinking that thought, I’d feel fine. I’d be happy to be getting stuff done and excited for the holidays. I’d be doing my chores because I want to get them done. It’s only a few days before Christmas and I want to get the suitcases and the laundry put away and get groceries in the house before the holiday. I’d be interacting with my husband and my son without thinking about it, and when my husband wanted to show me some of the pictures he’d taken, I’d sit down and look at them, rather than hover over his shoulder and then rush away when the buzzer on the dryer went off. 

The turnaround to There’s no one here I can talk to, is: There’s someone here I can talk to. Three concrete examples of how this thought is as true or truer than my original thought:

1. My son was there, telling me all about his game at dinner.
2. My husband was there, right there, at the kitchen table, with his pictures. I could have, and did, speak to him multiple times over the day.
3. I looked at my phone, and I had 5 phone conversations that day, one an hour long conversation with my stepdaughter that was the highlight of the day. (Forgot about it, though, when I told myself I was lonely.) 

Once I did The Work that day, I felt much better. Suddenly, I was connected to everyone and I felt great.

The only difference to the way I felt was that I believed a thought that wasn’t true—until I didn’t. 

The next time you have a thought that causes you pain, even if it seems like it’s not a big deal, try The Work. Investigate your thought. Is it really true? What if that thought never occurred to you? Try living your day without that thought. 

See what a difference it makes.