Stupid Girl

Oh, that’s all?
You weren’t raped, you’re not dead.
Why are you so upset?
Stupid girl.

Count your blessings. Be glad you’re still here.
So many others have suffered so much worse.
What was the big deal?

Almost raped? What does that mean?
A miss is as good as a mile, my dear.
You’d think it was a real trauma, you
Stupid girl.

Count your blessings.
Be glad you’re still here.
What do you have to complain about?
It woke you up, it made you safe.

Then I tucked it all away
Behind a heavy door in your mind. So you could keep moving,
Believing you were unafraid.

But fear was present–and welcome, I say!
You finally drew some boundaries around yourself.
Good thinking, you
Stupid girl.

So what if your boundaries were walls of stone.
So what if they closed you in and kept the others out?
Alone and safe is better than hurt or dead.
You’d think you’d know that.

You went on like that for years.
You didn’t even notice the shadows, the walls.
You were still moving forward, getting things done.
You live a very useful life.

Then one day, I made you remember.
You were alone again in a strange city.
Why do you put yourself in these situations?
Stupid girl.

I was afraid you would trust again.
It took so long for you to get it the first time.
Look what you grew up with.
I didn’t want you to have to go through it again—or worse.

There’s a lot worse, you know.
I had to keep you safe.
I know I scared you.
Stupid girl.

I could tell by the way you were shaking and crying,
Standing right there on Broadway and 72nd.
Scared you were going crazy!
Scared is better than dead.

Closed up?
Fearful?
What’s wrong with that?
Safe is the most important thing.

Safe is the only thing.
Love is not the only thing.
You would say that, you
Stupid girl.

You think you’re safe?
Then why the silence?
Why haven’t you told the story?
You never said what really happened.

It’s like I told you.
Everyone will blame you.
And why not, you
Stupid girl.

It was your fault.
You trusted them all.
Trusted that boy just because he was their friend.
You missed all the signs.

You made a mistake.
Yes, we all make mistakes.
But your mistake was worse, you
Stupid girl.

You’re still here, aren’t you?
What more could you want?
To be open? Oh, you
Stupid girl.

Where will that get you?
Even when you were home, you weren’t safe.
Every time you opened your mouth, you got slammed.
Remember that, you stupid girl?

Once you closed yourself up,
It was better.
No more attacks.
The only price was silence.

Count your blessings.
Be glad you’re still here.
Remain silent, you
Stupid girl.

Answer

Yes, I was stupid.
Yes, I was naïve.
So what?
I didn’t deserve it. No one deserves it.
It made me safe; it opened my eyes.
It locked me away; it made me afraid.
I’m sick of fear.
I’m tired of rules.
I just want to live.
What’s wrong with that?
You just want to keep me safe?
You want me to keep you safe.
Well, guess what?
Safe’s not real. There’s no such thing.
Was I safe at home?
At school?
In Europe?
Poof. Safe is gone.
It never was.
You liar.
What’s left?
Love.
Love is left.
Let’s try that for a while.
I’ll count my blessings.
I’m glad I’m still here.

Look, you did your job,
I’m still here.
But not everyone is out to get me.
It’s not like it used to be.
She was unhappy,
She took it out on me.
She didn’t mean to hurt me,
She would say she was sorry if she could.

You need to back off
And let me live.
This day doesn’t get rerun,
I have to catch it while I can.
You drain the color from my days,
You take the music with you.
I’m sick of seeing only drab
And hearing only sobs.
Just go away.
Thanks, and go away.
Don’t worry!
I will keep you safe.
With connections, not walls
Within the web of life, we are both supported.
Trust in that,
Trust in me.