My husband, Tom, left the country and dry land for three weeks. I stayed home with our son. In some ways, life was harder, but in some ways, life was a lot easier.

I noticed about a week after Tom left, that I felt good. Lighter. I had more “work” to do, and less time to myself, but I was doing surprisingly well.

I thought about why. I realized that I felt “disapproved of” by my husband very often. Does he disapprove of me? He says he doesn’t.

Before my husband left on his trip, he had been working a schedule that kept him at work until 9 PM. So we were in each other’s company very little for the past three months. And I still felt his disapproval. How could that be?

Who was really disapproving of me?

Me.

I make up that he is disappointed that I cooked only for myself and our son, that I didn’t make a meal that included a portion he could take to work for lunch or dinner the next day.

Has he ever asked me to make enough for him for leftovers? Nope.

I make up that he thinks I should get more done during the day than I do.

Has he ever said this? Never.

If I do pack a lunch for him for work, he is very appreciative. If I mention that I didn’t get much done that day, he’ll say that I’m taking care of Joey and that’s a full-time job.

For some reason, with Tom on a boat in Central America, he was so far away from me that I just did my own thing without thinking about whether or not he would approve. And it felt great.

What’s stopping me from feeling great when he’s back home? When he’s at work? When he’s out running?

My thoughts.

So I decided to question my thoughts about Tom and whether or not he approves of me.

Since he’s been home, I’ve been doing a lot of questioning. Mostly “Is it true?” The answer is always “no.”

One night when he was very tired, he made a couple of comments that, in the past, I would have taken as evidence of his disapproval.

We were reading in bed before going to sleep. In the past, when he shuts out his light and almost immediately asks, “are you almost done?” I would hear that he thinks I’m inconsiderate.

But this time, I questioned my thought. Here’s how I did it, using Byron Katie’s method:

Thought: Tom thinks I’m inconsiderate because he asked me if I was almost done reading.

1. Is it true? I don’t know.
2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true? No.
3. How do I feel/what do I do when I think this thought? Lousy. I feel bad, like a chastised child. I shut off the light, but I’m resentful. I never ask him to shut off his light when he’s reading! I say goodnight but it’s grudging and that’s not how I want to end my day.
4. How do I feel/what do I do if I couldn’t think this thought. I would feel fine. I would answer Tom and move on.

That’s what I did this time. I answered Tom with “I’m almost done,” finished my page, and then shut off my light. No bad feelings, no disapproval.

A very small moment in my life, but when all the small moments feel bad, it adds up to a pretty miserable day.

Changing that very small moment allowed me to end my day in peace and love—not such a small thing, right?

Where in your life are you making up that someone disapproves of you?
Try questioning these thoughts.