Recently, one of my clients called me to say that she was having a lot of anxiety and she didn’t know why. Just a day earlier, during our coaching session, we’d talked about an incident involving her mother.
As everyone gathered in the kitchen during a family event, my client had been in the act of reaching for a piece of cheese and a Triscuit.
“What are you trying now?” her mother asked. “The cheddar cheese diet? I’ve never heard of it and I must say, I don’t think it’s working.”
Mortified, my client laughed along with the “joke” before slinking away.
Now my client was calling with anxiety but she didn’t know why she was so anxious.
“There’s a thought you’re thinking that’s causing the anxiety,” I said. “You’re just not consciously aware of the thought.”
In my opinion, our thoughts create our feelings, so if we are experiencing a feeling of anxiety, there’s a thought that’s causing the anxiety.
There are many ways to deal with anxiety. My friend Brooke carries her anxiety around with her, “like a heavy purse,” doing whatever she needs to do—while anxious.
Another way is to find the thought that’s causing the anxiety. My client doesn’t have anxiety all the time. Only when she’s thinking unconscious thoughts about something that happened in her life.
“I don’t know what the thought is,” she said.
“You can figure it out. It’s about what happened with your mom, right?”
“I think so.”
“Yes, there’s some thought that’s bothering you. Either “she shouldn’t talk about me like that,” or “she’s supposed to support me,” or “she embarrassed me in front of everyone.”
“I think it’s ‘she’s supposed to support me.’”
Okay, she’s supposed to support you. And does she?”
“No.”
“That’s the thought you need to work on. As long as you think she should be different than she is, you’ll have anxiety about it.”
In my experience, just figuring out the thought that’s been unconsciously bothering me helps me feel better.
Once I know what the thought is, I can see how it affects me and I can choose to change it.
The alternative, arguing with reality, only leads to more anxiety.
Once my client knew the thought that was causing her anxiety, her anxiety lessened. She was able to work with her thought and she started to feel better.
What unconscious thought causes you anxiety?