There’s a concept from the world of psychology that affects our everyday life: transference.
“Transference is a psychological phenomenon in which an individual redirects emotions and feelings, often unconsciously, from one person to another.” —article on GoodTherapy.org, found here.
Every time we are upset about something (usually something uncontrollable) and we push that upset away by getting irritated, annoyed, or downright angry at someone that is not involved in the original upset, we are experiencing transference. We usually transfer our feelings to someone else—and that someone else is usually a loved one, someone we feel safe with.
If your boss gets angry at you, for any reason, you may become angry in return. Rather than express that anger, it’s more likely you’ll go home and act irritable with your family. We all do this, usually unconsciously.
It helps to be aware of it. Once we are aware of it, we can make amends if we realize it after the fact, and we can avoid doing it at all if we notice our feelings right away.
Recently, I was looking over my notes about my book, and I found this question from Christina Baldwin, my writing teacher and friend: Who comes to your back as you tell this story?
The immediate answer was: My mom. She’d love that I’m writing this book. I was thrilled by the idea, then sad, then grief-stricken. I cried a little, then got on with my work.
Later that day, after I picked my son up from his camp, I spent two hours cleaning the kitchen and making pizza for dinner. My son was busy doing his own thing so we were calm and happy.
Then my husband came home. “Wow, the kitchen looks great!” he said as he put his lunch down on the counter.
“It’s still not done,” I grumbled.
He (wisely) took himself off to get changed.
Dinner was fine until I looked at the clock and saw that I had to leave immediately for an appointment or I’d be late.
“I can’t finish dinner,” I complained as I hustled out the door.
After my appointment, I got back in my car and finally had the thought, why am I so grouchy?
A tide of grief swept over me and I realized it was all related to my sadness about my mom. I called home and apologized to my husband and my son for my irritability. I told my husband why I had been acting like such a crank.
I got off the phone and sat in the car and sobbed. I just let it all go and experienced my grief.
Eventually, the tide waned, as it always does when we stop pushing it away.
I found a clean napkin, wiped my face, and went to do the grocery shopping. Tired but no longer irritable. No longer taking out my emotions on my loved ones.
Until the next time. Hopefully I’ll realize what I’m doing sooner.
Awareness is the first step to creating change.