Today when my husband came home with our son, he told me that he’d taken him to Wendy’s and then they’d gone to the park and had a picnic. When I asked my husband if the kid had eaten well, he replied that the hamburger had onions on it so my son refused to eat it.
The thought that rose up in me was: You should know that you have to order the kids meal with the hamburger and then get the chicken nuggets on the side, not the other way around.
See, the kid’s meal hamburger only has ketchup on it. A regular hamburger has onions on it, as well as ketchup—What, you didn’t know that?
Actually, the first time my son asked for chicken nuggets and a hamburger at Wendy’s, I didn’t either.
So I did the same thing—with the same result.
But in my manual, my husband should have known this. Even though I never told him.
We all have a “manual” for how we expect others (and ourselves) to act, even if we don’t call it a manual. It’s the list of expectations we all have in our heads. My friend and fellow life coach, Brooke Castillo, is the first person who mentioned “the manual” to me. I thought it was a good metaphor for all those thoughts we have in our heads about what everyone else should do (be, say.)
Once I was aware of the concept of the manual, I realized I have one for everyone in my life—including myself. And everyone in my life has a manual for me. The problem is, no one knows what’s in anyone else’s manual—it’s all unspoken.
So when my husband tells me something in a tone of voice that suggests I’m an idiot, it helps to know he’s just reading from his manual. (I’m not saying he thinks I’m an idiot, I’m saying I interpret his words and tone that way, until I realize I’m making it up and I let it go.)
When I think someone should have done something different that what they actually did, I’m reading from my manual. And I’m the one who suffers.
When someone else seems to think I should have done something different than I did, they are reading from their manual about me. I have no control over what’s in their manual.
When I throw out my manual for others, I no longer suffer. I allow others to do what they do, say what they say, be who they are.
When I allow others to have a manual for me but don’t let their manuals guide me (after all, it has nothing to do with me,) I allow others to do what they do, say what they say, be who they are.
I have come to see that this is unconditional love. Which is the only kind of love there is.
The other kind, conditional love, isn’t really love.
Its just approval.