Not long ago, a client told me he’s recently been going over things that happened in the past—things he wasn’t proud of, but things he’d come to terms with.
“I thought I had dealt with all that stuff,” he said, “but lately I just keep going over them. I can’t seem to stop myself.”
“Did it start after something bad happened?” I asked, knowing he’d lost his partner of many years the previous summer.
“Yes,” he said, after a moment’s thought. “It started after Lucy died.”
When something bad happens, our perceived “contract with life”—that unspoken belief that if we behave well and do the best we can, nothing bad will happen to us—is broken and we feel unsafe, unsure. This translates into doubting,
questioning, and
second-guessing ourselves, in all areas of our lives.
We start to dwell on the negative: decisions we came to regret, choices we didn’t make, opportunities we missed. It’s a normal part of the grieving process, even if what we’re grieving isn’t the loss of a person. It happens with a job loss, a change in identity, any kind of loss.
I explained this to my client and he thought it made sense and gave him a reason why he’d been ruminating so much on the negatives in his life.
“Now that you’re aware of it,” I said, “you may not do it as much. But if you do, tell yourself it’s normal, and try to let it go. Don’t beat yourself up for it.”¹
This self-doubt can overtake us, even after small losses—after anything bad happens. If you get into a fender-bender, you’ll likely find yourself, in the days after the accident, dithering over decisions you’d normally make easily.
It takes time for you to “re-inhabit” your normal self. It’s a process. One you can navigate with self-compassion.
So if you are having a hard time, if you are focused on the negative, think back: Did you suffer a loss recently? Did you make a mistake or was there a serious miscommunication somewhere in your life? If so, you may be experiencing the fallout from that.
Think back to that moment in time and try to offer yourself some compassion.
- Just because something bad happened doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.
- Just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you are a mistake.
- Just because you lost someone, doesn’t mean you deserve to be punished.
Take some deep breaths—long inhales, long exhales—and take back your power today.
Yes, that bad thing happened, but that doesn’t mean:
- I can’t make a decision today. I know what I’m doing in this situation.
- I made the wrong decision way back when. I did the best I could in that situation.
- I deserve to be punished. We are all imperfect and I deserve good things in my life.
Remember, you are a flawed human being and you are worthy of love and belonging.
¹I sent this blog post to my client asking permission to post, and this was the response I got: “I think this is very good. When we had the conversation on this subject, I began to feel better, and having this to read when the doubt and negativity recur as it does sometimes will be so helpful! Yes, post it, I am sure the reaction will be positive!” (Again, used with permission.)