Recently, I got back in touch with a friend I have known since college. She is a born salesperson, and has been in sales since we graduated (many, many years ago.) The last time I saw her, a few years ago, she was commuting about 3 hours a day to her workplace and back. The drive was draining to her and she was looking for something that would allow her to work closer to home. She wanted to spend more time with her kids and not race home in time to (hopefully!) tuck them into bed every night. She ended up moving out of the area with her family in order to be able to accomplish this.

When I spoke to her this past weekend, I asked how her new job was, and then qualified my statement by saying, “Well, I guess it’s not new anymore, since it’s been a couple of years.”

“No,” she said, “I took a new job a few months ago, in the city.”

“Great,” I said, “How’s it going?”

“Well, I don’t really like the city,” she said.

“Is there a lot of traffic?” I asked.

“Well, it takes me three to three and a half hours to do the commute round-trip,” she said.

“What?!” I said. “But that’s what you were doing before you left!”

“Yeah, that’s probably why I don’t like the city.”

Despite my blunt comment, my friend is not my client, so I did not go on to ask her about her limiting beliefs. There is a thought that she has, and believes, that allows her to put herself in exactly the same lousy position she was in before—only now without the support of a loving extended family and good friends.

If we jump from one job to the next, or one relationship to the next, without examining what we are thinking, then we are doomed to repeat our mistakes. We finally get miserable enough to make a major change, and then, within weeks to months, we find ourselves in the same situation (job, relationship) that we were in before.

My recommendation? Even if you are miserable in your current job or relationship, take some time to examine your thoughts. One way to try to get to your core beliefs, is to keep asking why.

Here’s an hypothetical example, based on my friend’s situation.

Why did you take a job that increased your commute time to 3 hours?

Because it was a better position.

Why is it a better position?

Because it’s more money.

Why is more money better?

Because it is. Duh!

Why is more money better?

Because more money is always better.

At this point we bump right into a limiting belief. Somewhere along the way, my friend learned that more money is always better. And because she is operating from this unconscious belief, she sacrifices her own time and her time with her family. Over and over.

If I ask her if she really believes that more money is always better, she might consciously decide that she no longer believes that statement. Then she can evaluate her job based on her new belief, one that she decides for herself. Her new belief might be: “My family is the most important thing in my life.”

If she consciously decides this, she will make future decisions based on this belief. She can work at a job she enjoys, and will no longer sacrifice her time with her family for a bigger paycheck.

Limiting beliefs are often very simple, very basic statements, and they seem unquestionably true to you. But even “You have to put your kids first,” isn’t always true. Think of the instructions you get about putting on an oxygen mask in an airplane. We are always instructed to put our own masks on first, because people automatically believe that it’s better to put their kids on first.

What are your limiting beliefs? Can you think of a situation in your life that is less than ideal? Why are you in it? Keep asking why. Let me know what you come up with.