Don’t get me wrong, I had (have!) a great life. At the time I realized I was so miserable, many years ago, I was just working way too many hours and had no time to enjoy my great life. 

Once I realized I was miserable, I tried to meditate. (That’s supposed to help, right?)

I say, “tried,” because I couldn’t do it. 

I could not sit cross-legged on the floor and meditate. I either started to fall asleep and did that awful head jerk thing over and over, or I just got super-itchy and irritated and felt like I was wasting my time. 

I could not shut my brain off for 30 seconds, never mind 5 minutes. 

I realized I was not present in my life at all, unless I was working. If I was seeing patients I was fully present, focused on what I needed to do and be in that moment in order to serve the person in front of me. It was a good feeling.

But I had a hard time focusing when I wasn’t at work. I was either planning or making a to-do list in my head, worrying about how I was going to get my charting done, or going over things that had happened at work that day, making sure I hadn’t made a mistake. 

That, alone, was exhausting. 

I didn’t give up on meditation. I just had to figure out a different way to do it.

I started by focusing on my body while I ran. Instead of using that time to ruminate on the past or plan or worry, I tried to focus on my legs moving, my feet hitting the ground and lifting off, or my arms pumping. Just for the time it took me to run past 10 telephone poles. 

Focusing on my breathing, the most basic form of meditation, didn’t work for me back then. When I focused on my breath, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I would hold my breath or my breath would start to feel unnatural, forced. Not good at any time, but especially not while running. 

[I realized later that the reason I had a hard time focusing on my breath was because I was always breathing very shallowly and I held my breath a lot. When I became aware of my breathing I became aware of how uncomfortable my breathing was. Not being aware of it was easier.]

I could focus on my legs moving for 10 telephone poles, then a little longer. I started focusing on my body until I got to the corner or until I got to the top of North Hatch Hill (a long hill.) Once I was able to do that—not perfectly, but with more awareness of when I stopped focusing on the body and got lost in my thoughts so that I could come back to my body, and the present moment–I thought I could try a sitting meditation again.

At home, I started sitting in front of a burning candle. I was more able to focus on the candle flame than on my breathing. I’d focus on the movement of the flame. I found it more calming than trying to focus on my breath. 

We had a big maple tree in the back yard and, that fall, I found I could meditate while watching the brightly colored leaves sway in the wind. 

What Is Meditation?

Meditation is not about not thinking. Meditation is about realizing when you are thinking, letting go of whatever you are thinking, and returning to what is happening in the present moment. 

What is real right now? What is happening right now?

Meditation is the practice of returning to right now over and over:

• Right now my right foot is hitting the pavement.
• Right now this flame is flickering.
• Right now the red leaves are rustling in the wind.
• Right now I’m breathing in. 
• Right now I’m breathing out. 

Practicing returning to right now over and over helps us realize that we are not our thoughts. The metaphor I’ve heard used over and over in meditation circles, and the one I find most helpful is this: We are the sky; our thoughts are just the weather. 

Thoughts, like clouds, come and go. Meditation helps us stop over-identifying with our thoughts. 

Meditation has taught me:

• if I have a “bad thought” it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, it just means I had a negative thought. 
• A thought is not “the truth,” it’s just a thought—an idea, a dream, a memory, a plan—none of these are real. I can choose to focus on them, but I can also let them go. 
• I am not my thoughts. There is a “me” that is deeper than who I am at the level of my thoughts. 

The Benefits of Meditation (IMHO):

Almost as soon as I started meditating regularly, I noticed some positive changes. 

• I feel like I have more time. I don’t know why, but as soon as I developed a regular meditation practice, my “time anxiety” got better. I still think I have a lot to do, but I know at a deeper level that I choose to do the things I do. And I can choose not to do those things. 
• I don’t take everything so seriously, especially what other people say. If my thoughts are just clouds in the sky, so are other people’s words. If my husband says something I perceive as negative, it’s much easier to let it go than it used to be.
• I am less reactive with my son. I am better able to respond in the moment rather than react in a knee-jerk way. I can watch myself start to overreact to something he says, and before I can say anything, I realize I’ve already gone ahead 3 steps in my head. He says, “I brushed my teeth,” when I know he didn’t, and I watch my mind jump from, “He just lied to me!” to “He’ll get cavities, lose his teeth, and won’t be able to eat corn on the cobb when he’s old,” to “he’ll never be able to take care of himself!” I watch these thoughts enter my mind in a split second and before I can react to them, I wonder what’s happening in real life right now. I’m back from the future and I can respond to him in a reasonable way. “You brushed this morning, but I meant did you brush this evening?” 

How to Get Started:

Focus on something in your present moment for 1 minute. Every time you notice you’ve drifted away from the present moment, into thought, daydream, or worry, let it go and return to your breath or the movement of the tree in front of you or whatever part of your current reality you’ve decided to focus on. Don’t beat yourself up for doing it wrong. You are doing it right. Keep noticing your present moment, notice when you’ve left it, and return to it. 

One minute counts. 

Five minutes count.

Continue until you’ve built up your ability to focus on your breath (or something else in your current physical reality) for 10, 15, or even more, minutes per day. 

You can meditate while standing in line at the grocery store. You can meditate while waiting at a red light. You can meditate while waiting for your computer to reboot. A few breaths in and out. A few moments of being truly present. 

I believe starting a meditation practice is one of the very best things you can do for your health and wellbeing. It’s right up there with wearing a seatbelt and not smoking. I hope you’ll try it.