If you had a friend who constantly berated you, judged you or criticized you, would you keep her close? Would you want to be around him? Would you try to find ways to spend more time with her or would you try to find ways to avoid him?
Most of us would say that life is too short to spend it with people like that.
But what about the way we treat ourselves?
Most of us would never say, not to our worst enemy, the things we say to ourselves in our heads.
You’re so stupid.
Why did you do that? You moron.
You never get anything right.
It’s amazing you’re allowed to do anything without supervision.
I’d go on, but I’m starting to make myself feel bad.
We spend more time listening to our own internal voice than we do listening to anyone else. Is it any wonder we feel insecure at times? It’s surprising we ever get anything done with that voice droning on incessantly.
However, that inner critic is there for a good reason. It’s a part of our primitive brain and its job is to keep us safe. It will try to accomplish this by saying anything that comes to mind to get us to stay safe. It doesn’t care if it’s being PC or not. It’s only focus is our survival.
If someone says, “I know a great guy, you two would really hit it off,” the inner critic immediately thinks DANGER and starts shouting things like “No one’s ever going to like you! You’re too (fat, thin, tall, short, poor, rich)!” and “You’ll never find anyone to love, so don’t even bother!”
The inner critic doesn’t care if you spend your life alone, it only cares that you stay alive. Quality of life is not part of its vocabulary.
Recently, a friend complained to me that she had to go to a party and she was dreading it. When I asked her why, she gave me a list of reasons that sounded suspiciously like her inner critic:
I’ll have no one to talk to.
It’ll be bored.
I’ll be boring.
I have nothing to wear.
The food will be weird.
I don’t know how to make small-talk.
I asked her to consider everything she had said. Was any of it true?
“No,” she said, “I guess not. I haven’t gone yet, so I don’t really know how it’ll be.”
“What if you went to the party thinking other random, not-true thoughts?”
“Like what?”
This could be fun.
What if I made a friend?
Maybe I’ll try a new food.
Everyone already likes me, they just don’t know it yet
These people are just like me.
Luckily, my friend saw that the thoughts she came up with were as arbitrary as the last thoughts I gave her, but that they put a completely different spin on the idea of going to a party.
As I often say, “If you’re going to make stuff up, make up stuff that makes you feel good.”
I asked my friend to try repeating the positive thoughts, and believing them, before going to the party. She agreed and, when I checked in with her after the party, she told me she had a great time.
“I don’t know what I was so worried about, “ she said. “I met some really interesting people and everyone was really nice.”
So try to become conscious of your inner critic and what it is saying. Then, no matter what nasty thing it comes up with, say ‘thank you, I’ll handle this,” and come up with some alternate, more positive, thoughts. Every time you hear the inner critic, respond in the same calm way. “Thank you. I’ll handle this.”
If you do this often enough, you will start to feel better. Try it and let me know how it goes.