Last year a woman who had been babysitting for my son regularly for months didn’t show up one morning. At first, I thought I mistook the time and I called her, leaving a voice mail message. Later, I tried again. Once I realized she wasn’t coming at all, I sent a text asking her to let me know she was okay. I never heard from her.
At first, I tried to figure out what I had done wrong. I went over everything I’d said or done the previous times I’d seen her. Nothing came to mind. After a couple of days of this it occurred to me that maybe the reason she disappeared had nothing to do with me. I remembered The Four Agreements, by don Miguel Ruiz, especially the Second Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally:
“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
I decided to imagine a scenario that had nothing to do with me. I imagined my former babysitter got a great new job and forgot to tell me about it. In my mind, I wished her well and let it go. I stopped suffering in that moment.
The Second Agreement came to mind again recently when a friend told me of an experience she had with a book group. During a period of reading aloud, the leader of the group told my friend that she couldn’t listen to her read because “her voice was wrong.”
My friend was so upset. She was going over and over the encounter, wondering what she had done wrong and how she could fix it. She felt hurt and angry.
All I knew was that my friend’s voice wasn’t wrong and that the whole episode had absolutely nothing to do with her—it had to do with the woman who had spoken to her. Whatever thoughts that woman was having led her to experience my friend’s voice as “wrong.”
The only thing my friend could do was decide how she was going to respond to the woman—and I don’t mean by changing the way she read. She could tell this woman she was going to continue to read the way she always did, or she could decide to go to a different book group. She could not, however, get this woman to change the way she thought or experienced her reading voice.
I hope my friend felt better after our conversation about her book group, but I can’t be sure. Only she can decide whether or not she is going to take what was said personally.
For me, it was yet another lesson in the dangers of believing everything I think, especially when that thought is given to me by another person.
How often do you take things personally?
I remind myself frequently of this agreement as well. The line that I remember best from the Four Agreements is “Even if someone got a gun and shot you in the head, it was nothing personal.”. When I read that line the point really sunk in. No matter what the situation, do not take it personally. Words to live by.
Cheers!
Jim
Hi Jim,
Thanks for your comments. I didn’t remember that line, but it’s a good one. I notice when I am feeling defensive with my husband (for example) that it is actually all coming from me. If he says, “Is dinner ready?” and I am feeling good, I say “yes,” or “no.” If I’m feeling inadequate or some other bad feeling, my response might be, “I only have two hands,” as if he had accused me of something. These days when I notice myself reacting that way, I take a look at what’s going on inside me and notice that it has nothing to do with him. Then I can decide to change how I’m feeling (or not.)
Realizing this about myself helps me not take other people’s words or actions personally. I can see that how they perceive me has only to do with what’s going on inside their heads. Such a relief.
Thanks for reading, Jim!
Warmly,
Diane
This topic speaks to everyone. I know I take things personally. Most of the time I’m pretty good about putting things in perspective but sometimes – usually when I least expect it (when someone’s callousness takes me by surprise, for example) – I certainly DO take a person’s actions/reactions to heart and try to analyze the how’s/why’s of the situation. We are not alone, are we? It’s been my observation people who tend to analyze what went wrong are also the kind of people who are cognizant of their impact on other people. It’s a virtue and a fault because while it allows us to practice mindfulness in the world, if not kept in check it can also lead us to make false assumptions and to feel needlessly hurt. I need to practice “letting go” more often, especially when people behave in unexpected ways. Thanks for the reminder!
Hey Laura,
Thanks for your comments. I notice that I make up stuff about other people’s reasons for doing things all the time, and I’m usually wrong!
The other day I was in the airport and I opened a door and it swung back and hit me really hard in the head. I cried out and then turned away from the only other person around, a woman I didn’t know. I was in pain from the blow, but I was also in pain because I was thinking about the woman and why she hadn’t reacted to my getting hurt. I finally wondered if I’d actually cried out as loudly as I thought I did. When I decided she hadn’t heard me, I immediately felt better.
Later, I was amazed at how strongly I reacted to the indifference I made up in this total stranger. Who knows if she even noticed me? Why did I automatically take her non-reaction to me personally? Just human nature, I guess. Another reminded to never take anything personally–and to stop taking things personally when we realize we are doing it (again!)
Thanks for reading!
Warmly,
Diane