As I was sitting in traffic at the Burlington Mall a few weeks ago, I was thinking my thoughts, and scanning the road in front of me. It was bumper-to-bumper to get to the mall exit, so I was sitting with my foot on the brake. I scanned right and then left as the car in front of me moved forward. I was just starting to inch my foot off the brake when a woman and child crossed in front of me from the right. They were basically against my front bumper. If I had taken my foot off the brake any faster, I might have hit them.

The woman was obviously in a hurry, and she screamed at me to watch for pedestrians as she crossed in front of me, dragging the child with her.

“Well,” I said, with the windows rolled up, “you need to use the cross walk.” I gestured toward the cross walk, which was only a few feet in front of us.

“Excuse me?” I saw the woman’s lips move. She came toward me, still dragging the child.

I rolled down my window in time to hear her swearing at me and telling me I need to watch for pedestrians.

I wish I had agreed with her. Because I did agree with her.  I should watch for pedestrians. I could hurt someone badly or even kill someone if I don’t pay enough attention as a driver.

But I didn’t. I got defensive.

“You need to be more careful and cross at the crosswalk,” I said. “Especially with a child.”

She swore at me some more and turned and strode away with the child in tow.

What would have happened if I had agreed with her? Would she have continued swearing at me? Or would she have stopped and thought about what she was doing?

I’ll never know.

Byron Katie states that “defensiveness is the first act of war.” I thought that was a little dramatic when I heard it, but now I’m not so sure.

I’ve really been trying to be more aware of when I get defensive these days. I have noticed that I don’t learn anything when I’m defensive. It’s a conversation-stopper. Even an interaction-stopper.

What am I missing with all my defensiveness? I’m really curious now but I still can’t totally stop the defensiveness. It’s a very old coping mechanism, for me at least.

My husband will often tell me something that our son has done or said that he thinks is new. My response is usually, “Oh, I know, isn’t it cute?” or, “yeah, he does that all the time.”

While this doesn’t sound very negative, it is. I’m making sure that he knows that I’m the expert on our son. I’m the one who spends the most time with him so I know him best.

Can you say defensive?

What would happen if I just said, “Oh, really, what else did he do?”

Well, I tried that last night and it was really fun. We both got to be the ones who know our son best and to enjoy talking about the things he says and does.

A couple of weeks ago my mother got really mad at me. I could see right away that she wasn’t really mad at me, she was mad at her circumstances. But she took it out on me. Rather than get defensive, I agreed with her (because at least some of what she said was true) and just listened to her without trying to interrupt or change the direction of the conversation (tried and true ways to avoid confrontation in my family.) Within a very few minutes, she said that she wasn’t really mad at me, that it was her circumstances that were bothering her. By the time I left that evening, she was calm and engaged with both me and my father. Totally worth a few moments of discomfort on my part.

I have noticed that I get defensive most easily with my husband and one of my sisters. I’m not sure why yet, but I’m working on figuring it out. I’m excited to see what I will discover as I let go of my defensiveness—assuming I can!

Are you defensive? With whom? What happens if you let it go?

Let me know!