One day a few weeks ago I met with a group of friends to work on finding a solution to a problem we are all very passionate about. In the process of the conversation, I got really defensive with one friend, who I’ll call Jane. For a while there, I reacted to everything she said as if she were attacking me personally.
I watched myself getting upset and getting defensive, and I knew it wouldn’t serve me, the conversation, or our cause, but I couldn’t stop myself. Jane kept talking, making her point, but she also tried to defuse the situation. It didn’t help. I kept taking everything she said as a personal attack—until I didn’t.
I suddenly refocused on the goal of the meeting and that allowed me to relax. I stopped reacting to what I thought I heard Jane saying and focused on what I could do at that moment. The conversation continued and we came to a productive conclusion within a short time.
The next day I saw Jane again. I apologized for getting so defensive and said I knew it was all me, not her.
You know what she said? “It’s okay, Di, this is really hard.”
That’s it. She just let it go, in a way that allowed me to let it go, too.
With that one statement, I felt included. Like we were in it together, which we were (are.)
I want to be that gracious with my friends; I want to be that generous, that understanding with all the people I love.
Sometimes I am. Having friends like Jane helps. Being around gracious, generous, understanding people helps me be more gracious, generous, and understanding.
I’m going to keep trying—to be less defensive, to be more loving.
And while I’m trying, I’m also going to keep in mind that I’m a work in progress and where I am now is just fine. I’m going to be a little more generous toward myself.
If I’m a little easier on myself, I think I’ll naturally be less defensive, because when I’m defensive it’s because of the thoughts I’m having about myself and what I lack (not what Jane or anyone else says). Someone could say, “How was your day?” and, if I’m thinking I didn’t do enough today, what I hear is “you didn’t do enough today.” And I get defensive.
Here’s what I choose to think today:
I did enough. I am enough.
What are you thinking?
Thanks so much for sharing this experience. For me, the most valuable revelation yo made is that you are a “work in progress.” I would have to say you nailed it. Not only are we all works in progress but we are shaped, molded and formed by everyone and everything around us. When we are able to step back and take a genuine look at HOW we are evolving, it is then that we can begin to embrace ourselves.
Always a pleasure to read you Diane. Thank you for shaping me.
Hi Ed,
Thanks for your thoughtful comments and thanks for reading!
Warmly,
Diane
I’m going through this concept with my teenager right now! 🙂
Defensiveness certainly does put us at a disadvantage because it closes the door of what we’re really trying to communicate and inhibits our listening skills too. If we’re too busy being defensive, we’re usually too busy thinking about how we’re going to force our argument, and so we miss messages that help us focus in a more positive direction. It so easy to get caught up in that vicious cycle but it doesn’t do us any good at all. So easy for this to happen – not only parenting through the challenging teen years but also in our “grown up” lives.
This is a topic I don’t see alot of discussion about. Thanks for addressing it in your post.
Hi Laura,
Thanks for your comments. I agree that defensiveness becomes a vicious cycle. When I get defensive I don’t consider the other person’s opinion or perspective–it really closes me down. I’m trying to observe when I do it and try to get out of it as soon as possible. I’m definitely getting better at it, but it takes practice! Good luck with your son!
Warmly,
Diane