The biggest problem, in my opinion, is we continue to think things like:
- If he would just be reasonable, I could stay longer.
- If she would just do what I say, everything would be fine.
- Why can’t he clean the garage the way I asked him to?
We assume that our relationships would be better, our days would go smoother, and our jobs would be less stressful if other people would behave differently than they do—preferably in just the way we’d like them to behave.
The only problem with that assumption is we have absolutely no control over other people.
The only person’s behavior I can control is my own.
I can’t control your behavior.
And you can’t control mine.
So the only place I can affect change is within myself. But that’s good news. If I can let go of the idea that you need to change your behavior in order for me to be happy (or not irritated, or whatever emotion I think you’re causing in me,) then I can be happy (or not irritated) no matter what you do.
Isn’t that good news?
Even if the person in your life is totally unreasonable (in your opinion), you still can’t make them change.
But if you let go of (or unhook from, as the Buddhist’s say) the idea that you need them to change in some way, all that’s left is what you can do, think, and feel.
I have two friends from my college days—one lives (very) close by and one lives many hours away. After my son was born, neither of them came to visit, although both expressed the wish to do so.
I had very different thoughts about the fact that my friends didn’t visit:
The one who lived far away, I thought, Of course she can’t visit, but isn’t it nice that she called? The one who lived close by, I thought, Why can’t she stop by for half an hour? She’s not that far away.
I love both of these friends, and I made a conscious decision to think the same thing about both of them: Of course they can’t visit, they have a lot going on, but I know they love me and my family.
Thinking my friend should visit more often (and she doesn’t) causes feelings of sadness and frustration, which is totally optional.
Thinking positively about both of my friends allowed me to feel good, whether they visited or not. Both eventually did visit, and we had a wonderful time. I was so glad I gave them permission (in my mind) to do whatever they wanted to do—since they were going to anyway.
Whenever you think you know what someone else should do, take a breath and make a conscious decision to feel good, no matter what they do. And that doesn’t mean you condone what they do, but you aren’t going to feel bad, no matter what they do.
None of us can really know what’s going on in the mind of another person, so giving them the benefit of the doubt actually benefits us.
Who in your life should do something different in order for you to feel better? What if you accepted that they are going to do whatever they are doing and feel good anyway?