I live on a small street with a cul-de-sac at one end. There are some common areas that all the residents of the street are responsible for, along with our own properties. It is clear to all of us what spaces are our responsibility and what spaces are not.

In our physical world, a boundary lets others know where our property starts and ends. It shows what areas we are responsible for and those we are not responsible for.

It’s the same with interpersonal boundaries. A boundary lets others know what we are responsible for and what we are not. Clear boundaries make it much easier for others to have good relationships with us because we each take some responsibility for the relationship.

When I set a clear boundary, such as “please don’t call me after 9 PM, I won’t answer the phone,” (and then stick to it,) we let others know what to expect. We also let them know what they are not responsible for. In this example, the people around us don’t have to wonder if it’s too late to call. If it’s after 9, it’s too late. If it’s not, go ahead and call.

This also works for bigger issues. Unclear boundaries make things murky for the people around us. They don’t know what you are responsible for and what they are not responsible for.

A have a good friend who wanted her in-laws to visit after her baby was born, but she didn’t want them staying with her as they didn’t have an extra bedroom. She told her in-laws this clearly when they first arrived, suitcases in hand.

“Nonsense,” her mother-in-law said, “we didn’t come all this way to sit in a hotel room.”

My friend didn’t say anything else. She and her husband gave up their bedroom to their in-laws and were even more exhausted by the end of the week than new parents usually are. Many months later my friend still talks about how her in-laws “invaded” her home, but she is also clear that the next time they visit she is not giving up her bedroom, no matter what.

It takes courage to set a boundary, and it is a sign of respect toward yourself and others because you show that you are responsible for your own feelings and actions, and you give others permission to take care of their own feelings and actions without worrying about yours.

That’s worth having a few difficult conversations, isn’t it?

If you have trouble setting boundaries, start with something really small, such as my “no phone calls after 9 PM” boundary. Practice with smaller boundaries and then gradually set bigger boundaries. Remind others what you will do if the boundary is violated. And follow-through. Otherwise, it’s not a boundary, it’s a request.

Remember, good boundaries make great relationships.

If you live near Hudson, NH, and would like to hear me speak on the topic of boundaries, I will be giving a presentation at Rodger’s Memorial Library on June 4th. For more information, please click here.