Lately I’ve been hearing a lot about self-esteem and the lack thereof.
Here’s my definition of self-esteem. Make good decisions that impact your well-being in a positive way.
Someone who has good self-esteem acts in a way that requires people (including themselves) to respect them and treat them well. People with good self-esteem have good boundaries.
People with poor self-esteem often make poor decisions, and by that I mean they make decisions that impact their own well-being in a negative way.
How do you improve your self-esteem? Make better decisions. Decide to treat yourself better.
Of course, in order to do this, you have to think well of yourself. How do you do this? Focus on the positive. Not in a “I’m the greatest person in the world,” delusional kind of way, but in a “I’m worthy of love and respect, just as every other being on the planet is,” kind of way.
We want others to treat us well, so we treat them well. But in order to be treated well by others, we have to treat ourselves well.
If others think you are a doormat (because you behave like a doormat,) they will treat you like a doormat. It would be nice if people stopped taking advantage of your good nature, but if you can’t be bothered to protect yourself, why should they?
If you want to know how your self-esteem is, pay attention to what you say to others. How many times a day do you apologize? What are you apologizing for? For taking up space in the room?
I was recently on a conference call with a group of people and three of the people who responded to a question immediately apologized for speaking up. Then, after speaking, two of them asked the group if they were making sense. They spoke coherently and in English. Why would they think they weren’t making sense?
This may seem like an insignificant example, but I think it is a sign of a bigger problem.
If I’m apologizing to my colleagues at work and my teenager questions me at home when I tell him he can’t do something I consider dangerous, I’m more likely to cave on my decision if he’s insistent (as only teenagers can be!) I haven’t developed any trust in myself or my own authority, so I give in too easily.
A small, insignificant bad decision can start a cascade that leads to bigger and bigger bad decisions.
Many years ago, I waited tables with a woman who told me she had “low self-esteem.” She got involved with a man who turned out to be physically abusive and, oh yeah, a drug dealer. Did she leave him? No. Not until they had a child together and the child was taken away from her because of her involvement with this man. She started making different decisions, “raised” her self-esteem, and got her child back.
What’s your definition of self-esteem? Tell me what you think in the comments.
Hi Marylin,
Thanks for your comments. Interesting that the teacher thought apologizing showed a lack of self-respect, but I’ve known people who have felt the same way. I think apologizing when it’s warranted shows self-respect–it’s only when we apologize all the time, almost as if we are apologizing for being there, that shows a lack of self-respect (and self-love). I hope the teacher you wrote about learned from her experience.
Warmly,
Diane
This post is very good, Diane. The constant apologizing has a flip side of truth, too. Many years ago I taught with a new teacher who refused to apologize EVER to her students, even when she had made a mistake and was at fault. She couldn’t even smile and said, “Oh-oh, sorry about that,” or something light.
She said making apologies always revealed a lack of self respect, and if she apologized to students they would never respect her. You can imagine how that worked out for her. She had more and more conflicts in the classroom and refused to accept or ask for help from other more experienced teachers who had ideas that worked well in the classroom, saying that, again, it would be admitting she couldn’t figure things out on her own.
It was all very sad. She didn’t make it through her entire first year before resigning.
Hi Jim,
Thank you for your kind comments, and thank you for sharing part of your journey. I agree, loving yourself is the key. When I start to berate myself or speak negatively in my head these days, I can usually catch myself very quickly and I ask myself how I would respond to anyone else who had said, done, or thought whatever it was that I was berating myself for. Then I treat myself with as much compassion as I would anyone else.
Learning to love ourselves is definitely an ongoing process. Inquiry, the work of Byron Katie, is the thing that has helped me the most. When I was in medical school, I internalized all the critical comments of teachers and fellow students, and never questioned whether or not they were true. Asking myself if a thought is true and then really listening for the answer has made a huge impact in my life and my ability to love myself.
And the process continues.
Best wishes on your journey!
Warmly,
Diane
Your definitions are excellent and your analysis of the impact of poor self esteem is spot on as well. Very well done. I think you touched on the secret to better self esteem when you said “Of course, in order to do this, you have to think well of yourself.”. I would take it a step further and say you really benefit when you learn to love yourself. Love yourself for the unique person you are. This includes learning to love all of the things you have learned to be ashamed about yourself. From my personal experience this journey of learning to love myself did not occur as a result of one change in practice. Forgiveness of myself for anything I have done wrong before was a big part of it. Grieving the loss of things that did not occur or transpire the way I wanted or expected was another. Meditation had a positive impact. Sharing my theretofore unspoken feelings about myself and my place within my family helped as well and finally inundating myself with reading and audio recordings focused on positive messages about self development have helped immeasurably.
So true! I’ve found myself apologizing when I shouldn’t, especially in the past. People tend to do that when they’re fearful. For myself, I wanted to try to cover all the bases upfront if I turned out to be wrong or because I was afraid to offend, even if I thought I was right in the moment. It was a ridiculous approach. First, why should anybody apologize beforehand for being human? I learned to go forward with confidence. If I was wrong, I could apologize later with a better understanding of my mistake. Also, people appreciate a well-timed apology and are less likely to question your original intent. Being wrong will not undermine your initial confidence in their eyes; in fact, it makes people more forgiving. (Look at all the examples of celebrities the public has forgiven for all kinds mistakes!)
It’s never good to undermine your own intent at the start because it leads to people questioning your reputation.
It’s not always easy to feel confident in all situations, but it’s important to regularly remind ourselves to wear our humanity proudly. Being human doesn’t require perfection.
Hi Laura,
Thanks for your thoughtful comments. I agree, apologizing before we start speaking probably won’t inspire confidence! And we are all human, so we’ll never be perfect. It’s so much easier for us to accept that about others than to allow it in ourselves.
Reminding ourselves that we are human is a great practice! So simple, yet can change our perspective and allow us to move forward, imperfectly, but effectively.
Warmly,
Diane