For the past few months, I’ve been asking myself the same question every morning:

How do I want to feel today?

Most of us ask ourselves questions all the time, and there is usually one that we ask over and over again—Susan Hyatt and Brooke Castillo call it the Primary Question–and it’s usually negative.

For example, when you ask yourself the following questions, what kind of answer do you get? Positive or negative?

• What’s wrong with me?
• Why can’t I get anything done?
• Why am I so disorganized?

My primary question used to be: Why can’t I get anything done? There is no positive answer to this question. It’s totally useless except I used it to feel bad about myself.

My new primary question is: How do I want to feel today? There are many great answers to this question: I want to feel good; I want to feel joy; I want to feel peace; I want to feel relaxed. I tried out all these answers and they all felt good. The one that made me feel best was, “I want to feel relaxed.” This encompassed all the other emotions that I want to feel, because if I’m relaxed I feel good, I feel peace, I feel joy.

The next question I ask is: What do I have to think in order to feel relaxed? Okay, that’s a really good question.

I have to think: I have plenty of time. I am present. All is well.

Okay, cool. I can think all those things. And I have been, for months now.

One day last week I realized how much this new primary question has changed my experience of my life. I took my son to see my parents for the day. My son loves visiting Nana and Grampy, but he doesn’t have to deal with the traffic around Boston, the tug of taking care of him vs. taking care of my parents, and the sheer work of the visit (lugging Pac ‘n Play, packing food, cooking meals, giving medications on schedule). The day can be very hectic for me as I am caught in traffic, in conflicting needs, and conflicting opinions.

Asking a different question, along with the follow-up questions, gave me a different way of thinking about the day. I was focused on the fact that my son got to spend time with his grandparents, and I got to spend time with my son and my parents. I still did as many “chores” as I usually do when I’m there, but truly, none of them felt like chores. And the whole day felt relaxed, even though traffic was bad and I only got home 15 minutes before I needed to be on the phone with a client.

It all worked out and I knew, all day, that it would. It felt great.

What question do you ask yourself every day over and over?