Remedial Play

Posted on February 13, 2012 by dmackinnon

I truly believe that playing is an essential part of a happy life and, on a more practical level, I also believe that it is an essential part of a productive, useful life. The second part of that statement really appeals to my Puritan work ethic, so I’m going to go with it. I’m not just telling myself whatever feels good, I’m helping myself become a better, stronger, more useful person when I play.

When the days, weeks and months go by and suddenly I realize I haven’t played in a really long time, I sometimes can’t think of anything that feels like play to me.

That’s when I go back to the five senses.

Touch: What feels good to me? A long, hot shower comes immediately to mind. I know that doesn’t sound like play, but we’re talking getting back to basics here and it’s a good place to start.

Hearing: What sounds good to me? Music feeds the soul. And it gives us a way to experience strong emotions in a structured, safe way. When the sad song ends, so do our tears. On the other hand, a happy song like “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by The Proclaimers can have me bouncing around all day.

Sight: What looks good to me? Nature! Trees, rocks, sky. Bright light. Sometimes just looking out my window at the tree branches swaying in the winter wind is enough to change my perspective.

Taste: What tastes good to me? Oh, so many things. Today, a pineapple smoothie makes me smile and feel like I’m on vacation.

Smell: What smells good to me? I used to wear perfume every day, but since I had my son, that sort of went out the window. But taking half a second to spray a little Happy (by Clinique) on my wrists really does make me happy every time I smell it.

Play doesn’t have to be a board game or a roller coaster ride. It can be more subtle than that and still create a feeling of well-being and possibility. Not that I’m against board games or roller coasters (or the Spider Man ride at Universal Studios in Florida—I love that ride!) Even if we can’t get to a Florida theme park, we can still play the day away.

What do you do to play?

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Saying No Is Not a Bad Thing

Posted on January 30, 2012 by dmackinnon

Who would you rather ask a favor from? Say you need a babysitter or even, God forbid, to borrow $100?

Here are your choices:

Friend A, who will interrogate you about why you need a babysitter or what you want the money for. You know she will do this as she always does. She’ll usually do you the favor or give you the money, but you can’t get out of explaining why—and she doesn’t always approve of your reasons.

Friend B, who will ask you the date and time and how long if it’s the babysitting gig, or will ask you when you need the money if it’s the loan. Once you answer those questions, she says “yes,” or “no.” And that’s the end of it.

Who did you pick? I pick Friend B. I don’t mind her saying no, and I really like not having to explain my reasons for wanting or needing a favor. Having to justify my request makes me feel like a child. And I’m not—a child, that is. I’ve been making my own decisions for many a year now.

Byron Katie talks about three kinds of business in her book, Loving What Is. There is: my business, your business, and God’s business.

Whose business is it what I need a babysitter for? Mine. Whose business is it whether or not a friend babysits for me? Hers. All she needs to decide is whether or not she can babysit.

Whose business is it what I need $100 for? Mine. Many people might disagree, but I believe this is true. Whose business is it whether or not my friend loans me money? Hers.

So I will usually choose Friend B to go to for a favor, and I am trying hard to be a Friend B. It’s not always easy, and we haven’t even talked about God’s business! All I’ll say about that is I can’t control the things I can’t control, so I’m not even going to try (mostly.)

Are you a Friend A or a Friend B?

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Who’s Judging Me?

Posted on January 21, 2012 by dmackinnon

My husband, Tom, left the country and dry land for three weeks. I stayed home with our son. In some ways, life was harder, but in some ways, life was a lot easier.

I noticed about a week after Tom left, that I felt good. Lighter. I had more “work” to do, and less time to myself, but I was doing surprisingly well.

I thought about why. I realized that I felt “disapproved of” by my husband very often. Does he disapprove of me? He says he doesn’t.

Before my husband left on his trip, he had been working a schedule that kept him at work until 9 PM. So we were in each other’s company very little for the past three months. And I still felt his disapproval. How could that be?

Who was really disapproving of me?

Me.

I make up that he is disappointed that I cooked only for myself and our son, that I didn’t make a meal that included a portion he could take to work for lunch or dinner the next day.

Has he ever asked me to make enough for him for leftovers? Nope.

I make up that he thinks I should get more done during the day than I do.

Has he ever said this? Never.

If I do pack a lunch for him for work, he is very appreciative. If I mention that I didn’t get much done that day, he’ll say that I’m taking care of Joey and that’s a full-time job.

For some reason, with Tom on a boat in Central America, he was so far away from me that I just did my own thing without thinking about whether or not he would approve. And it felt great.

What’s stopping me from feeling great when he’s back home? When he’s at work? When he’s out running?

My thoughts.

So I decided to question my thoughts about Tom and whether or not he approves of me.

Since he’s been home, I’ve been doing a lot of questioning. Mostly “Is it true?” The answer is always “no.”

One night when he was very tired, he made a couple of comments that, in the past, I would have taken as evidence of his disapproval.

We were reading in bed before going to sleep. In the past, when he shuts out his light and almost immediately asks, “are you almost done?” I would hear that he thinks I’m inconsiderate.

But this time, I questioned my thought. Here’s how I did it, using Byron Katie’s method:

Thought: Tom thinks I’m inconsiderate because he asked me if I was almost done reading.

1. Is it true? I don’t know.
2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true? No.
3. How do I feel/what do I do when I think this thought? Lousy. I feel bad, like a chastised child. I shut off the light, but I’m resentful. I never ask him to shut off his light when he’s reading! I say goodnight but it’s grudging and that’s not how I want to end my day.
4. How do I feel/what do I do if I couldn’t think this thought. I would feel fine. I would answer Tom and move on.

That’s what I did this time. I answered Tom with “I’m almost done,” finished my page, and then shut off my light. No bad feelings, no disapproval.

A very small moment in my life, but when all the small moments feel bad, it adds up to a pretty miserable day.

Changing that very small moment allowed me to end my day in peace and love—not such a small thing, right?

Where in your life are you making up that someone disapproves of you?
Try questioning these thoughts.

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Wildly Improbable Goals

Posted on December 30, 2011 by dmackinnon

Back in the fall, I started thinking about goals for 2012. More specifically, I reviewed my list of WIGs (Wildly Improbable Goals). Martha Beck talks about them in her book, Finding Your Own North Star. WIGs are goals that seem almost impossible but they are things you really, really want in your life.

A WIG that I have had for years is to study French in France. I lived in Switzerland many years ago and became fluent in French but haven’t really spoken the language in twenty years. It’s been a dream of mine to sit in a café in Paris and speak French with someone who can correct my grammar and my accent (and tell me cool stories about the history of Paris). I don’t think it will take long before I can speak French again, ably, if not fluently.

So I reviewed my list, added a couple of new WIGs, then put it away and forgot about it.

A couple of weeks later, my sister Donna called me. “What do you think about going to Paris in April?” she asked.

Donna told me that a friend of hers is planning to do the Paris Marathon and she was thinking about going to watch her run.

I said I’d think about it, but a part of me started to get excited. When this kind of synchronicity happens, it’s usually just the first of many.

About a week later, my husband and I were talking about vacation plans for 2012 (he has to plan his vacation time at least six month in advance).

I asked him what he thought about me going to Paris in April.

His response was, “We can’t afford it.”

I told him I was committed to our get-out-of-debt plan and I wasn’t going to go into debt to visit Paris.

In my mind, I continued the conversation (you know how you do that? The person you were talking to leaves the room, and you keep thinking of things you wanted to say?) Anyway, here’s what I was thinking at Tom: But if I assume I can’t afford it, I won’t think about it and then I definitely won’t be able to go. If I keep my mind open, maybe something will happen or I can figure out a way to pay for it and then I’ll be able to go.

About a week later, I was talking to a friend about staying open to possibilities and I ended up telling her my philosophy about WIGs and how I was hoping to go to Paris but I needed to figure out how to pay for it.

She said that, as a retired flight attendant, she could get me a “buddy” ticket to Paris. “It wouldn’t be free,” she said, “you’d have to pay around $120.”

As soon as she said that, I said, “See? If I hadn’t kept my mind open, I never would have mentioned it and I’d never have known that I could possibly get a ticket from a friend!”

By now, I know that my trip to Paris is a done deal. I don’t know all the details about how it’s going to happen and how I’ll pay for it, but I know it’s going to happen. I’ll keep working hard at the things I know how to do, and some other unexpected, helpful, thing will happen that I can’t even imagine yet.

My friends, Evie and Allie, two amazing shaman, have a meditation CD that I love. In it, Evie says to “see your prayer already answered,” and then let go of the how.

Once you set a goal or name an intention, you set something in motion that is beyond your own efforts. Once you declare to the Universe what you want, the Universe will work on your behalf in ways that you cannot imagine.

What are your WIGs? Take some time to think about what you really want that seems almost impossible today, then write it down and see what comes next.

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Gratitude

Posted on December 22, 2011 by dmackinnon

In the past, my thinking about gratitude has been along the same lines as the attitude of a Depression-era parent. “Be grateful for what you have. Don’t ask for more. What you have is good enough.”

Since I have Depression-era parents, I came by this thinking honestly.

But it doesn’t serve me, or the world.

Being grateful doesn’t mean you don’t want more. I believe you can be grateful for what you have in this moment and expect more good things in future moments. It goes against the Puritan grain, but I believe this is how the world really works (I could be wrong—but I don’t think so.)

You can be grateful AND ask for more.
You can be appreciative AND make plans for bigger and better.
You can be content AND dream of exotic vacations, a big raise or a new job that is satisfying and lucrative, more love, more fun, more of anything you want.

Because if you can’t ask, plan, or dream, you’ll never have more than you do today. And today is good, today is great, but part of our nature is to strive for more. If you don’t allow yourself to dream and plan, you deny yourself of that glorious feeling of trying, practicing, striving!

And if you don’t grow, you can’t become the person you are meant to be in this world. And the world needs you, and needs you to be the best person you can be. I don’t mean that in an abstract way, I mean it in a very concrete way. The people you come in contact with every day need you to be the best you can be.

I’m so grateful for the contentment I feel about my life in this moment, and I’m excited about all my goals, plans, and dreams for 2012.

May you allow yourself to be content AND to strive for more as we close out 2011 and head into 2012.

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How Do You Treat You?

Posted on December 16, 2011 by dmackinnon

If you had a friend who constantly berated you, judged you or criticized you, would you keep her close? Would you want to be around him? Would you try to find ways to spend more time with her or would you try to find ways to avoid him?

Most of us would say that life is too short to spend it with people like that.

But what about the way we treat ourselves?

Most of us would never say, not to our worst enemy, the things we say to ourselves in our heads.

You’re so stupid.
Why did you do that? You moron.
You never get anything right.
It’s amazing you’re allowed to do anything without supervision.

I’d go on, but I’m starting to make myself feel bad.

We spend more time listening to our own internal voice than we do listening to anyone else. Is it any wonder we feel insecure at times? It’s surprising we ever get anything done with that voice droning on incessantly.

However, that inner critic is there for a good reason. It’s a part of our primitive brain and its job is to keep us safe. It will try to accomplish this by saying anything that comes to mind to get us to stay safe. It doesn’t care if it’s being PC or not. It’s only focus is our survival.

If someone says, “I know a great guy, you two would really hit it off,” the inner critic immediately thinks DANGER and starts shouting things like “No one’s ever going to like you! You’re too (fat, thin, tall, short, poor, rich)!” and “You’ll never find anyone to love, so don’t even bother!”

The inner critic doesn’t care if you spend your life alone, it only cares that you stay alive. Quality of life is not part of its vocabulary.

Recently, a friend complained to me that she had to go to a party and she was dreading it. When I asked her why, she gave me a list of reasons that sounded suspiciously like her inner critic:

I’ll have no one to talk to.
It’ll be bored.
I’ll be boring.
I have nothing to wear.
The food will be weird.
I don’t know how to make small-talk.

I asked her to consider everything she had said. Was any of it true?

“No,” she said, “I guess not. I haven’t gone yet, so I don’t really know how it’ll be.”

“What if you went to the party thinking other random, not-true thoughts?”

“Like what?”

This could be fun.
What if I made a friend?
Maybe I’ll try a new food.
Everyone already likes me, they just don’t know it yet
These people are just like me.

Luckily, my friend saw that the thoughts she came up with were as arbitrary as the last thoughts I gave her, but that they put a completely different spin on the idea of going to a party.

As I often say, “If you’re going to make stuff up, make up stuff that makes you feel good.”

I asked my friend to try repeating the positive thoughts, and believing them, before going to the party. She agreed and, when I checked in with her after the party, she told me she had a great time.

“I don’t know what I was so worried about, “ she said. “I met some really interesting people and everyone was really nice.”

So try to become conscious of your inner critic and what it is saying. Then, no matter what nasty thing it comes up with, say ‘thank you, I’ll handle this,” and come up with some alternate, more positive, thoughts. Every time you hear the inner critic, respond in the same calm way. “Thank you. I’ll handle this.”

If you do this often enough, you will start to feel better. Try it and let me know how it goes.

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Limiting Beliefs

Posted on December 9, 2011 by dmackinnon

Recently, I got back in touch with a friend I have known since college. She is a born salesperson, and has been in sales since we graduated (many, many years ago.) The last time I saw her, a few years ago, she was commuting about 3 hours a day to her workplace and back. The drive was draining to her and she was looking for something that would allow her to work closer to home. She wanted to spend more time with her kids and not race home in time to (hopefully!) tuck them into bed every night. She ended up moving out of the area with her family in order to be able to accomplish this.

When I spoke to her this past weekend, I asked how her new job was, and then qualified my statement by saying, “Well, I guess it’s not new anymore, since it’s been a couple of years.”

“No,” she said, “I took a new job a few months ago, in the city.”

“Great,” I said, “How’s it going?”

“Well, I don’t really like the city,” she said.

“Is there a lot of traffic?” I asked.

“Well, it takes me three to three and a half hours to do the commute round-trip,” she said.

“What?!” I said. “But that’s what you were doing before you left!”

“Yeah, that’s probably why I don’t like the city.”

Despite my blunt comment, my friend is not my client, so I did not go on to ask her about her limiting beliefs. There is a thought that she has, and believes, that allows her to put herself in exactly the same lousy position she was in before—only now without the support of a loving extended family and good friends.

If we jump from one job to the next, or one relationship to the next, without examining what we are thinking, then we are doomed to repeat our mistakes. We finally get miserable enough to make a major change, and then, within weeks to months, we find ourselves in the same situation (job, relationship) that we were in before.

My recommendation? Even if you are miserable in your current job or relationship, take some time to examine your thoughts. One way to try to get to your core beliefs, is to keep asking why.

Here’s an hypothetical example, based on my friend’s situation.

Why did you take a job that increased your commute time to 3 hours?

Because it was a better position.

Why is it a better position?

Because it’s more money.

Why is more money better?

Because it is. Duh!

Why is more money better?

Because more money is always better.

At this point we bump right into a limiting belief. Somewhere along the way, my friend learned that more money is always better. And because she is operating from this unconscious belief, she sacrifices her own time and her time with her family. Over and over.

If I ask her if she really believes that more money is always better, she might consciously decide that she no longer believes that statement. Then she can evaluate her job based on her new belief, one that she decides for herself. Her new belief might be: “My family is the most important thing in my life.”

If she consciously decides this, she will make future decisions based on this belief. She can work at a job she enjoys, and will no longer sacrifice her time with her family for a bigger paycheck.

Limiting beliefs are often very simple, very basic statements, and they seem unquestionably true to you. But even “You have to put your kids first,” isn’t always true. Think of the instructions you get about putting on an oxygen mask in an airplane. We are always instructed to put our own masks on first, because people automatically believe that it’s better to put their kids on first.

What are your limiting beliefs? Can you think of a situation in your life that is less than ideal? Why are you in it? Keep asking why. Let me know what you come up with.

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Defensiveness is the First Act of War

Posted on October 31, 2011 by dmackinnon

As I was sitting in traffic at the Burlington Mall a few weeks ago, I was thinking my thoughts, and scanning the road in front of me. It was bumper-to-bumper to get to the mall exit, so I was sitting with my foot on the brake. I scanned right and then left as the car in front of me moved forward. I was just starting to inch my foot off the brake when a woman and child crossed in front of me from the right. They were basically against my front bumper. If I had taken my foot off the brake any faster, I might have hit them.

The woman was obviously in a hurry, and she screamed at me to watch for pedestrians as she crossed in front of me, dragging the child with her.

“Well,” I said, with the windows rolled up, “you need to use the cross walk.” I gestured toward the cross walk, which was only a few feet in front of us.

“Excuse me?” I saw the woman’s lips move. She came toward me, still dragging the child.

I rolled down my window in time to hear her swearing at me and telling me I need to watch for pedestrians.

I wish I had agreed with her. Because I did agree with her.  I should watch for pedestrians. I could hurt someone badly or even kill someone if I don’t pay enough attention as a driver.

But I didn’t. I got defensive.

“You need to be more careful and cross at the crosswalk,” I said. “Especially with a child.”

She swore at me some more and turned and strode away with the child in tow.

What would have happened if I had agreed with her? Would she have continued swearing at me? Or would she have stopped and thought about what she was doing?

I’ll never know.

Byron Katie states that “defensiveness is the first act of war.” I thought that was a little dramatic when I heard it, but now I’m not so sure.

I’ve really been trying to be more aware of when I get defensive these days. I have noticed that I don’t learn anything when I’m defensive. It’s a conversation-stopper. Even an interaction-stopper.

What am I missing with all my defensiveness? I’m really curious now but I still can’t totally stop the defensiveness. It’s a very old coping mechanism, for me at least.

My husband will often tell me something that our son has done or said that he thinks is new. My response is usually, “Oh, I know, isn’t it cute?” or, “yeah, he does that all the time.”

While this doesn’t sound very negative, it is. I’m making sure that he knows that I’m the expert on our son. I’m the one who spends the most time with him so I know him best.

Can you say defensive?

What would happen if I just said, “Oh, really, what else did he do?”

Well, I tried that last night and it was really fun. We both got to be the ones who know our son best and to enjoy talking about the things he says and does.

A couple of weeks ago my mother got really mad at me. I could see right away that she wasn’t really mad at me, she was mad at her circumstances. But she took it out on me. Rather than get defensive, I agreed with her (because at least some of what she said was true) and just listened to her without trying to interrupt or change the direction of the conversation (tried and true ways to avoid confrontation in my family.) Within a very few minutes, she said that she wasn’t really mad at me, that it was her circumstances that were bothering her. By the time I left that evening, she was calm and engaged with both me and my father. Totally worth a few moments of discomfort on my part.

I have noticed that I get defensive most easily with my husband and one of my sisters. I’m not sure why yet, but I’m working on figuring it out. I’m excited to see what I will discover as I let go of my defensiveness—assuming I can!

Are you defensive? With whom? What happens if you let it go?

Let me know!

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Fun, Anyone?

Posted on October 13, 2011 by dmackinnon

A couple of weeks ago my friend and colleague, Master Life Coach Susan Hyatt, asked a question on a coaching forum that I am a part of: What do you do for fun?

Ever since I read The Four Day Win by Martha Beck years ago and learned about Rat Park, I’ve been trying to consciously add more fun to my life.

Rat Park refers to a research experiment that Martha discusses in The Four Day Win.

The gist of the experiment is this: Rats in a cage will drink water laced with narcotic rather than eat or sleep or play. They will drink it ‘til they fall over.

But–rats who live in Rat Park, a wonderland of hills and tunnels and things to climb on, will not drink water laced with narcotic. They will stick with plain water as needed and continue to run, jump and play all day.

At the time I first read The Four Day Win, my life didn’t look anything like my version of Rat Park. I loved my work and my life but I didn’t have much time for fun. And I was totally addicted to my morning coffee. (Hey, it was decaf, but I still couldn’t live without it!)

Over the years, I changed that. My life came so close to my ideal Rat Park that I stopped needing my daily fix of coffee.

When Susan asked what I did for fun, I suddenly realized that I haven’t been having much fun lately—and I’ve become more dependent on that morning coffee again!

It’s time for me to get back to Rat Park. I dubbed the Rugged Maniac (the obstacle race I did a couple of weeks ago) the beginning of my return!

Everyone’s version of Rat Park is different. Not everyone thinks an obstacle race involving mud and high walls and sheer drops is fun. Doesn’t matter if you think my version of Rat Park is crazy—what’s yours?

If you have no idea, try asking yourself these questions to trigger your memory:

1. What did you like to do for fun when you were a kid?
2. What was your favorite subject in elementary school?
3. What was your favorite subject in middle school?
4. What was your favorite subject in high school?
5. Can you think of anything you do or used to do that causes you to lose time? (The whole world goes away and hours pass like minutes while you are doing this thing.)

Or you can do what I did: I told my sister (try anyone in your life that you’ve had fun with in the past) that I’m not having any fun these days. She immediately came up with something that we have both been dying to try for years: speed skating!

I’ll let you know how it goes.

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Your Mind–Servant, Or Master?

Posted on October 6, 2011 by dmackinnon

There was one point during the Rugged Maniac 5K obstacle race last weekend when my mind tried to scare me. I’d been doing fine with the obstacles. Not fine as in, “wow, that was easy!” but fine as in “I’m not thinking ahead, I’m just dealing with the obstacle right in front of me.”

Then we came to the logs in a field of mud and water. They were different heights and they stuck straight up out of the muck. The first one wasn’t too high, so I jumped onto it, and realized it was slippery with muck. Since I’d already crawled through a mud pit, I was covered in slime, too. I stepped to the next, higher, log, and realized that they kept getting higher and they were spaced pretty far apart for someone of my less-than-impressive stature (5′ 2 1/2″ isn’t that short!)

Suddenly, I had a vision of myself jumping to the next log, slipping off and hitting my back, my leg…oh no, my crotch!

I stopped moving. I took a deep breath and told myself not to think ahead. That all I had to do was plant my left foot and, when I was ready, step out with my right foot.

I did it.

Then I brought my left forward and repeated the process. Deep breath. Plant my right foot. Step out with my left foot. My world was only those logs for the next few minutes of my life.

Then, I was done. I stepped off the last log and started running through the mud again.

Phew!

There were a lot more obstacles that day but none that I came as close to blowing as that field of logs stuck in the mud. Even as I was navigating the rest of the obstacle course, I was thinking about my mind and how I had almost let it derail me.

One of Martha Beck’s favorite sayings is, “the mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master.” I saw the truth in that saying that day in a very vivid way.

Was picturing all the terrible things that could happen to me during the race–while I was actually running the race–helpful? No.

It might have been helpful to think about these things when I was filling out the application, but at the time all I thought was, “It’s only a 5K, how bad could it be?”

Luckily, I recognized my lizard brain when it started showing me those terrible images (none of which ever happened) and consciously let go of my fears by focusing on the only thing that made sense: the present moment and the action I could take there and then.

Just prior to the race, I was feeling a little embarrassed that I had to find “trumped up” thrills and danger to face. I willing signed up to face physical discomfort and possible danger for what? To bring a little excitement to my life? To get an adrenaline rush?

No, I realized after the race, I signed up for this to face my fears in a very physical, tangible way. I have been facing my fears on an emotional level a lot this past year, and running in that obstacle race helped me see that I can control my lizard brain on any level, in any situation, if I choose to. And that I’ve been doing it all year long.

This time, I got a T-shirt for my effort. When I wear it, it reminds me that I am the master of my mind and so, my mind serves me well.

Is your mind serving you or is it the other way around?

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