Once you become a doctor, it can seem like that’s all you are. I’ve written about the road to this “single identity” here. Many of us feel that the other parts of ourselves got lost along the way, but there are things you can do that will help you expand into all the other identities that are part of you.
I think the biggest issue with this lack of identity outside of medicine is an “I’m never here” problem. We tend to live in the future and the past—unless we are seeing patients. When we are driving home, we are thinking about how many charts we have to finish tonight (future) or about the dose of the amoxicillin we gave that kiddo with the earache (past.) When we are putting the kids to bed, we are wondering if Mrs. X’s lab work is back yet (future) or when in the hell we’re going to get caught up on all the paperwork (future.)
In those moments, we are not present. We got from point A to point B with no memory of the drive, we missed a moment of connection with our precious children that will never come again. That sucks.
What Can You Do About It?
Give yourself a moment to reflect, in writing, on who you are, who you used to be, and who you want to be.
If that’s difficult, think about all the things you used to love to do, before medicine, or during the long years you were studying to be the doctor you are today.
How did you take a break from your studies? Did you take a dance class, did you cook great meals, did you run in the park? Maybe you always had a novel on your nightstand, even when you were studying 12 hours a day. Make a list—keep coming back to it if you need to. Jot things down as you think of them.
There was something you did in college and med school that wasn’t studying medicine. Residency? Maybe not. But definitely in college and probably med school. What was it?
After taking some notes, do you have some clues about different identities you’d like to inhabit? Maybe you just want time with your kids, to be a parent. Whatever you come up with, start expanding into that identity in very small ways.
- Stop doing something. Cross something off your list. You only get 168 hours a week, so you can’t just cram in something else, even a half-hour for self-reflection. What’s one thing you can stop doing as of right now? There’s something, I know there is. I like to cook and I always get ideas for recipes or things I want to cook when I go to the grocery store. I went to Whole Foods earlier this week to get some ingredients for quick, healthy meals. While I was there, I thought, “I’ll make chicken piccata!” My husband and I love chicken piccata and I haven’t made it in a while. But my recipe for chicken piccata takes a couple of hours. It takes me forever to trim the chicken and pound it, and I have to zest a couple of lemons—it’s definitely not a 30-minute meal. I thought about my week and I reluctantly abandoned the chicken piccata idea. Not this week. I bought ingredients for simpler meals, including a fresh pizza that just needs to be popped in the oven—definitely a (less than) 30-minute meal!
- Start breathing intentionally. In other words, meditate. Even for 5 minutes. Even for 1 minute! Consciously breathe in and out at the next red light you wait for. Be here now, just for a minute. Every day. Then multiple times a day. Build up your meditation habit. (I wrote about meditation and how to get started here.)
- Be present with yourself just as you are. If you are parenting, go all in, even if it’s only for 10 minutes. Stop thinking about your charts, just watch your child’s face, even if they are talking about something that’s tedious to you. Watching their faces is never tedious, right? Not when you are present. And every time you start thinking about your charts and realize it, come back to your child’s face. If you are doing something else, embracing another one of your identities, then do it wholeheartedly, for whatever short time you have.
- Give other people permission to think whatever they want about you. (They will anyway.) If you have taken a long weekend to paint your house, and your colleague tells you they think you’re crazy for not hiring someone to do it, let them think that. If you get satisfaction from painting your house yourself, do it.
Take some time to consider any or all of these steps. Simple and tiny are the steps that will lead you forward into your right life.
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If medicine doesn’t bring you the joy it used to, let’s talk. Book a call with me using my online schedule.