Last year, a client, I’ll call her May, told me about someone who’d seen all the work she’d put into the report she was sending to her boss. At the time, her colleague had told her, “This is supposed to be a 1 page summary! You don’t need to do all this work every time you do one of these.”
I asked May if this was true. Was she doing unnecessary work?
Her response, “Well, you have to…”
She went on to explain why she had to do the report the way she did it, but to me, the important part of the statement was: “You have to,..”
Whenever we start talking in a generalized way, by saying things like:
- “Everyone knows..”
- “One must always…”
- You can’t just…”
- “No one wants…”
That’s a sign you are talking about an old belief, usually one given to you by someone else, a long time ago. The problem with old beliefs is that they are unquestioned.
It’s just the way it is.
It’s “the Truth.”
If it’s just the way it is, then you don’t have to think about whether or not this is the best way to do something.
The brain loves this kind of belief because it is efficient. It doesn’t have to waste time or energy thinking about how to do something.
But if you spend hours doing a multi-page report, when a 1-page report that you can generate in 1 hour is all that’s needed, you are being incredibly inefficient.
Because now you have to do that other 7 hours worth of work that you weren’t doing while you worked on this report.
And getting home on time to cook with your family? Forget about it. You need to get this backlog done.
Because there’s another report due shortly.
I have a friend who hates making mashed potatoes. (Stay with me, I’ll get back to my point!) I know this because every time her son had mashed potatoes at my house, he mentioned how much he loved them and how his mom rarely made them. One day I happened to be at her house when she started making dinner, including mashed potatoes.
She proceeded to peel the potatoes under ice-cold running water. Her hands were red and angry-looking by the time she finished.
While she was doing it, I asked her why she was peeling the potatoes under cold running water.
“Because that’s the way my mother always did it.”
Even after I explained that I (and my mother) peeled the potatoes and then rinsed them, she continued doing it.
It’s just the way it is.
Just for fun, I asked if she could at least peel the potatoes under warm water.
Nope. Had to be cold water.
Why?
“That’s the way you make mashed potatoes.”
There’s that generalized language again. A sure sign you’re doing something because someone else thought that way and gave you that thought, which quickly became a belief.
And some of these beliefs are useful, helpful, and good. You want to keep believing them.
The problem comes when we don’t question these beliefs.
Back to May and her report. Despite her conversation with her colleague, and multiple conversations with me about how overwhelming her work was, she had a really hard time believing she could change anything about how she did her work.
With some time and coaching, though, as well as the pain of continuing the way she had been, she made a change: She wrote a 1-page report that took her 1.5 hours to complete, and nervously sent it to her boss. She expected anger, recriminations—a demotion, even! That’s how scary this was to her.
What did she get? Crickets.
Her boss accepted the report and moved on. It contained all the information she needed.
As we processed this non-event, I asked May to calculate how many hours she could have saved if she’d done a 1-page report for the last year. (Though she’d been doing it much longer than a year.)
Instead of spending 1.5 hours per month for a total of 30 hours this year, she spent at least 96 hours on this report. That’s over two full weeks of her work life.
This was an epiphany for May and she started questioning other practices in her work and home life. Some she kept, many she didn’t.
Gradually, she made room in her life for an actual life. She got more sleep, spent more time with her family and, despite this, her performance review at her job was stellar!
What’s one thing you do because “you have to…” or “everyone…” you can’t just…?”
Maybe you don’t have to–maybe not everyone does–or maybe you can just…do it differently.
so important in times like these to take a good look at what keeps us stuck
Hi Mary,
Yes, I agree. Thanks for reading!
Warmly,
Diane
This! Is exactly what I needed to hear/read. Thank you for putting it so succinctly and including the memorable story about mashed potatoes!
I’ll sit with your prompt because I am trying to find ways to reduce how long it takes me to do things…and I need to better identify what are the unhelpful beliefs I hold that I’m not even aware of.
Hey Crystal,
Glad you found the post helpful. Thanks for reading!
Oh, I love this, Diane. It’s so important to question what we believe or how things are getting done. I am not a fan of ‘that’s how we’ve always done things,’ especially if it’s clear there are better ways to do things. I very much appreciate the pointer that when using generalized language it’s a sign to consider where that belief came from.
Thanks, Michele, I’m glad this post was useful. Thanks for reading!
I LOVE this, Diane. It’s so true. We tend to really get entrenched in our own thinking, and we need the external point of view of a friend or a coach to reveal other options.
I think the tip to notice our language to identify these areas of rigidity is extremely useful, especially if you are the listener.
Thank you for this great piece!
You’re welcome, Shlomit! Yes, I hear myself say these things, as well as the people around me. Luckily, when I hear myself say something generalized, I can backtrack and think about what I really think or want to say!
Fascinating how the “you”, “they”, “it’s how it’s done” can be used and generally accepted. Thanks for the reminder to watch out fir this language.
You’re welcome, David. Thanks for reading!
Thanks for this, Diane! I’ll add “you always…” or “I tend to…” as additional generalizations that I’ve used in the past and need to look out for!
Yes, Peter, the “all or nothing” statements are never true! Ha!
I totally get stuck in this thinking. If it’s pointed out, it’s a quick trip. But until I can SEE it, I am just a victim to it (this is why coaching is so great!).
I am less likely to fall into the way it’s been done before but MORE likely to fall into “the way everyone else does it.”
The older I get and the more digging I do – mainstream if OFTEN not the answer. Everyone is busy and addicted to social media. Do I want that? The hardest for me is “everyone gets married and has babies.” Nope. Not for me. But boy did that take a lot of work to get there!
Hey Heather,
Yes, some beliefs are generations old, they didn’t just start with us. First comes awareness, then we can start to change our thinking, then our behaviors. Thanks for reading!
I like the phrase,” If they ask for apples-give them apples, not a fruit salad.” A lot of my female and POC clients are often stuck in the lifelong expectations of constantly proving themselves. “You have to work twice as hard!” Unfortunately, I would like to say this is not true. It is nice to observe and consider if the old belief can be proved wrong-at least some of the time! Nothing in life really seems to be absolute anyway, even old beliefs -except death and taxes.
That phrase is new to me, Bena. I need to email my client and tell her that one! Thanks for sharing.
Mind blowing! I wonder how many of us are wasting so many hours of our lives on false belief. I love this post. Thanks!
You’re welcome, Viola! Thanks for reading!
Oh Diane, SUCH good words. I remember realizing this first when my husband and I were figuring out what the holidays would look like in our family. My kids both hated going to “see Santa,” so I decided we just wouldn’t do it any more. He responded, “But you can’t just not get a picture with Santa!” I was like, “Oh yeah we can.” 🙂 I am going to look at how I can move that same spirit over into my other “musts” and “have to”s!
Hey Angie, that’s a good example.They are everywhere. It’s good to question the ones that cause us–or our children!–suffering!
I love these insights that shine a light on behaviors we might never be aware of otherwise! This was so helpful!
Thanks, Pascale! And thanks for reading!