These days, I feel good almost all of the time. And if I feel bad, it doesn’t last long. This was not always true for me.
Back in the day, if I had a fight with my husband, I felt terrible—for days and days.
After an argument (thankfully, a rare occurrence) I spent days in my head, replaying what was said, how I thought it should have gone, what I should have said, what he should have said. On and on.
During that time I basically missed whatever else was happening. If I went to a family party, I tried to hide my misery and continued thinking my crappy thoughts, completely missing every opportunity I had to connect with the people I love who were right in front of me.
I also felt totally separated from my husband—even when we were right next to each other. I felt lonely and believed that he didn’t like me. I would think thoughts like: Why is he with someone he thinks is an idiot? Why is he with someone he sees as selfish?
The worst part was not knowing how I would ever feel close to him again. The separation felt permanent to me. I thought it was OVER.
Then after three days, or some other ridiculously long period of time, something would happen that would bring me out of my own head and we’d laugh together, or I’d get really busy at work and not think about the fight for a day and then it would all just fade away. Once, I distinctly remember thinking: Molly (my one time therapist) would tell me I’m not really upset about x (whatever the argument was about), I’m upset about y (some totally uncontrollable thing in my life, such as my inability to get pregnant.) As soon as I had this thought, I started to see that is exactly what I was doing—and I was able to stop it.
I would feel close to my husband again. I would reconnect with the outside world, my loved ones, my own inner self. Thank God. It was like coming out of the windowless morgue after spending hours with dead bodies and going for a run in the sun and shade-dappled park. Heaven.
Now I know that the hell I lived in those after-argument days was self-created and I could have gotten myself out of it much sooner than I did. But I didn’t know then that just because I think a thought doesn’t mean it’s true. I hadn’t yet learned to question my thoughts.
Now I do it automatically. Things that used to bother me for hours or days seem to let go of me almost as soon as they take hold of me.
Recently, my babysitter canceled on me and my first thought wasn’t: Oh, no, that sucks! It was: Oh well, that must be what’s best for us.
It’s such a relief to see whatever happens as happening for me rather than to me.